What would the USA Soccer team look like if there were no other sports in this country? The Blargus investigates.
Derek Jeter and Raúl Gonzalez Blanco
This, of course brings me to my comparison, the title of this article: what about the Miami Cheats (as Bill Simmons, among others, calls them) is like the Real Madrid galácticos circa 2003? Well, in 2003 we brought in David Beckham, the face of soccer in England–and in much of the rest of the world–after a successful campaign in 2002-2003. Beckham was announced with much fanfare, and happily predicted titles, as he pranced around in his jersey. Like A-Rod on the Yankees, his first (and only) title came 4 years later on Capello’s new Madrid in 2006-7.
France sucks.
Anti-Vuvuzela song
What’s wrong with our World Cup goalies?
Live analysis of Italy vs. Paraguay
So here we go: I like vuvuzelas. I’ll freely admit it, because later in this article I’m going to make an (“impartial”) argument for why they should be allowed. They’re loud, obnoxious, and aggravating; they irritate the players, the coaches, the refs and (some of) the fans.
USA-ENGLAND
For the next two months, I won’t give two shits whether David Villa (or David Silva, who’ll probably go to Madrid as soon as we get Mou) sold out, whether Carles Puyol or Andrés Iniesta are Catalonian nationalist douchebags (they aren’t, as far as I know–probably my favorite players on Barça, actually), or even if Joan Laporta (my second least favorite person related to Spanish soccer in any way) suddenly decides to resign. Now, it’s 100% con la Roja.
Don’t pick up the phone for 1-800 numbers. It will save you a lot of fucking time, and a LOT of fucking money.
Ewok Karaoke.
Happy playoffs, everyone.
I’m going to go ahead and rank the coolest fucking things I saw on the hill during the day of Spring Fling. In the name of complete honesty and full disclosure and journalistic integrity (this is the famed Argus after all), I should say that these are my opinions, and if you don’t share them, then you are wrong (and to the owners of the R2D2 cooler–I will do terrible, unconscionable, unforgettable things to (a) buy that from you or (b) find out where you bought it).
May 4th is International Star Wars Appreciation and Recognition of Being the Best Movie and Story in the History of the World Day; May the 4th be with all of you (BOOM). In appreciation of this monumental day of days, I have compiled–because the “real” Argus is done publishing for the semester–a Top 5 list.
What a masterpiece from Messrs Groening et. al.; and if you were like me, you must be really tired of quoting Hume, Hegel and Homer (fucking COL). Oh wait, the joke was Homer SIMPSON. Well, guess what Wesleyanites–Homer Simpson is quoting, yeah, Ke$ha:
This is not meant to indict specific candidates, but rather to try to excise the WSA’s oligarchical tumor–we may live in a country where candidates can essentially buy their seats, but that doesn’t mean that we have to go to school and accept this same oligarchical political culture. It’s not fair; it’s not useful for us as a University; and it’s a blemish on the WSA’s reputation–whatever you may feel that is.
Independence Day 2: Yeah, they’re making it.
As power shifts over to the new Blargus team, expect some great, bountiful changes (“He that hath a bountiful eye shall be blessed; for he giveth of his bread to the poor.” Proverbs 22:9). For the record: we do have some changes coming, so expect those in the coming week or so. And for the time being, enjoy this wonder look back on the best of the Maury show.
With President Obama’s signing of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act came the end of an era for a generation of Democrats, many of whom I know very intimately and have the greatest affection for.
n his Twitter page (@RealKaka), Brazilian (and Real Madrid) superstar Kaká criticized his countryman Neymar for using a common technique to score a goal via penalty kick–the “paradinha”: “Essa paradinha so no Brasil!!” he exclaimed, followed by “A paradinha e uma ventagem para o cobrador, e qual a vantagem do goleiro??” As far as my (extremely limited) Portuguese and Google Translate lead me to believe, these two statements are roughly translated to “You would only see the ‘paradinha’ in Brazil!!” and “The ‘paradinha’ is an advantage for the striker. Where’s the advantage for the keeper?”
2. It need not be possible to theorize a sexual act or fetish for an anime porn site to exist that is dedicated to it.
A huge picture of Malcolm X covers the background of the MySpace Music page belonging to Kil Ripken, an up and coming rapper based in Coney Island, New York; his Facebook profile shows him standing next to a sign that reads “Jena High School.”
For no real reason, I will list a number of things, in no particular order and with no justification, that deserve thumbs-up.
I’m not an art historian; I’m not a professional critic, nor would I even pretend to be one.
After finding the monumental website “MyLifeIsTwilight.com,” we of naturally spent hours perusing its painstakingly written and edited pages. What we found was a story of broken love, blood, pain, depression, celibacy, and sex—from the point of view of a 12-year-old girl. Enjoy.
“Today I did a persuasive speech in my speech class on why everyone should be on Team Jacob instead of Team Edward, complete with pictures making my case. MLIT.” –From MyLifeIsTwilight.com
It’s stupid and shortsighted to argue that video-replay is the be-all end-all of this argument: Mr. Blatter, we need strong, harsh penalties for cheaters like Henry.
Troll 2 VS. Silent Night, Deadly Night 2
I’m writing about what’s wrong with American (yeah, I’m singling us out) soccer.
It’s stupid and shortsighted to argue that video-replay is the be-all end-all of this argument: Mr. Blatter, we need strong, harsh penalties for cheaters like Henry.
EXCLUSIVE: “Enrolled” Piloy
Why the English League, the EPL, needs teams like Manchester City to be a more interesting, more competitive league: I’m not trying to defend the hiring and buying practices (which, again, I could do), but instead only suggesting that the EPL needs teams like Man City to keep from being a boring league.
Football, or soccer, is a cosmopolitan, over-arching sport that reaches people in every part of the globe, bringing hope to the hopeless and light to the darkness.
In light of the recent controversy surrounding one of our more prolific writers and face of Swine Flu on campus, it’s the least we can do to bring to light other terrifying epidemics that have been created either by the media or by super-villains.
While it is statistically true that there are other great horror movies, we have been unable to find any totally magnificent death outside of the Final Destination franchise—aside for the brilliant decapitation of Paris Hilton in House of Wax.
This column is to expose the treatment of Crisitano Ronaldo, and to a lesser extent Didier Drogba, by the British press and some fans as what it is: blatant, unabashed racism.
Jon may be a motorcycle-toting, incredibly potent, jerkoff, Kate could probably murder him, stow the body in a vat of acid, pour the acid in a river, and feed her eight children without a single person in the world knowing.
Truly, it’s a new day here at the Death Match Factory.
A lightsaber can cut through almost anything ever conceived by any person or sentient being in the entire Universe–in fact, the only thing that it can’t cut through is another lightsaber (or those weird droid-saber things from Episode 3, but that doesn’t affect this particular argument).
While it is true that only a few people have achieved the sort of international face recognition as Shaq, Terrell Owens has not only managed it, but has, in many respects, managed to surpass him: unlike the good-natured, happy-go-lucky O’Neal, T.O. is a walking, talking reality show.
Welcome to Death Match, Ben–you’re about to get as shut down hard as Biggie was in Tupac’s anthem “Hit ‘Em Up”.
Top five first year college songs.
With our help, you, too, can experience all that the Wes art community has to offer. Don’t feel bitter. We’re sure cool acts will be here this year, too…
I took Introduction to American Government last semester with Melanye Price, and it was one of my favorite classes at Wesleyan.
Historically speaking, the summer months are a time for wonderful, horrible movies (e.g. “Snakes On a Plane,” “The Love Guru,” anything involving Brendan Fraser).
Bracket brackness.
Pretty predictions.
Liz Tung and Gabe Lezra share their extensive knowledge of pathological psychology.
In honor of WesFest weekend, “Unsolicited Advice on How to Spend Your Time” presents the Top 5 things to do as a Prefrosh at Wesleyan.
Gabe Ezra: Dude, what could possibly be better than the Falafel Cart? Rob Wohl: Nah man. Nah. You clearly lack understanding.
Ridgefield Middle School Talent Nite and Wesleyan Guitarists’ Showcase
The truth came to the University on Saturday night in the form of a stocky, chubby albino rapper named Ali, who thundered around the stage at Beckham Hall delivering verbal punches that would’ve made another Ali proud.
Next Saturday evening, independent hip-hop artist Brother Ali will come to Wesleyan for a performance at Beckham Hall.
The thing about Han Solo that separates him from Indiana Jones is his ability to fly a spacecraft—I mean, come one, he can fly the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs, and his self modified, rebuilt Millennium Falcon can make .5 past light speed.
Gabe Lezra offers advice on what events to check out this week.
As opposed to the Jonas brothers, with their scarves and perfectly moussed hair, Zac Efron doesn’t need to make sense—he has money, sex (something the Jonas Brothers don’t have), and talent.
Friday: Skip class today and drink, because you’ll need it.
Which is better: Millennium or Willennium?
Like a ray of warm sunlight on the coldest winter night, Taylor Swift has appeared, and she’s proved that pop stars don’t have to rely on synthesizers and lip-synching, on producers and phony multi-person dance routines.
January 20, 2009 began early for me—as it did for so many others—at around 6 a.m. I’d love to say that I awoke to the sound of hope, or something equally poetic, but really it was just my cousin’s annoying euro-techno ring tone. But even waking up to “Axel F.” by Crazy Frog couldn’t crush my spirits—I had a ticket (a “blue” one!) to the Inauguration of President Obama.