Gabe Lezra

93 Articles

Stephen Colbert, Too Truthie For Congress

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Editor. Comments Off on Stephen Colbert, Too Truthie For Congress

International Football is Ruining Football, or Why Madrid is Worse Because of Spain

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Sports Theorist. Comments Off on International Football is Ruining Football, or Why Madrid is Worse Because of Spain

He’s BAAAAAAAACK!

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Socio-Political Critic. 5 Comments

Welcome to Wesleyan, Freshman

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Editor, GTL Enthousiast . 1 Comment

Kennedy Odede ’12, on “Slum Tourism” for New York Times

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Editor. 3 Comments

FIFA are a Sniveling, Pathetic Bunch of Cowards; Or, North Korea, Torture, and the Hypocrisy of the Federation

by Gabe Lezra, Anti-Torture Soccer Blarger. 5 Comments

THE SUPER-DUPER UNIQUE BLARGUS-ONLY FEATURE: WHAT THE USA SOCCER TEAM WOULD LOOK LIKE IF THERE WERE NO OTHER SPORTS IN AMERICA (ACCORDING TO GABE LEZRA)

by Gabe Lezra, Trapped on the shores of his own subconscious. 4 Comments

What would the USA Soccer team look like if there were no other sports in this country? The Blargus investigates.

The Great Captains, Or Derek Jeter and the Inevitable March of Time

by Gabe Lezra, Raulista. 1 Comment

Derek Jeter and Raúl Gonzalez Blanco

The Miami “Galácticos?”

by Gabe Lezra, Sports Blarger, Editor, and Miami Cheats Hater. 2 Comments

This, of course brings me to my comparison, the title of this article: what about the Miami Cheats (as Bill Simmons, among others, calls them) is like the Real Madrid galácticos circa 2003? Well, in 2003 we brought in David Beckham, the face of soccer in England–and in much of the rest of the world–after a successful campaign in 2002-2003. Beckham was announced with much fanfare, and happily predicted titles, as he pranced around in his jersey. Like A-Rod on the Yankees, his first (and only) title came 4 years later on Capello’s new Madrid in 2006-7.

Thank You, Team USA: Finally, American Soccer Fans Can Feel at Home

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 1 Comment

Live Analysis: Spain vs. Chile

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 3 Comments

Todos a una con la roja…but if we lose, it’s not Sara Carbonero’s fault.

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. Comments Off on Todos a una con la roja…but if we lose, it’s not Sara Carbonero’s fault.

England [[5]] vs. Germany [[1]]

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist, and Chief Historian. 3 Comments

Live Analysis: USA-Algeria

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 1 Comment

Live Analysis: Spain vs. Honduras

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 3 Comments

“Mon Dieu!” (And other, less appropriate exclamations from the World Cup)

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 1 Comment

France sucks.

“I don’t mean to be really intolerant or anything..I’ve just got a headache”

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 1 Comment

Anti-Vuvuzela song

Live Analysis: Brazil vs. Ivory Coast

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 1 Comment

Dear Keepers, We Need to Talk

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. Comments Off on Dear Keepers, We Need to Talk

What’s wrong with our World Cup goalies?

Week One in Review: “My Gran would not’ve let Dempsey score / Shed’ve saved it even though she’s 94”

by Gabe Lezra, Vuvuzela Enthousiast. 2 Comments

Live Analysis: Spain-Switzerland

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 3 Comments

Live Analysis: Brazil vs. North Korea

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 1 Comment

Live Analysis: Italy vs. Paraguay

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 2 Comments

Live analysis of Italy vs. Paraguay

The World’s Sport: In Defense of Vuvuzelas

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 27 Comments

So here we go: I like vuvuzelas. I’ll freely admit it, because later in this article I’m going to make an (“impartial”) argument for why they should be allowed. They’re loud, obnoxious, and aggravating; they irritate the players, the coaches, the refs and (some of) the fans.

Live Analysis: USA-England

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. Comments Off on Live Analysis: USA-England

It’s Time

by Gabe Lezra, USAUSAUSA. Comments Off on It’s Time

USA-ENGLAND

The World’s Sport: World Cup Bracketology, Part 1

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus World Cup Specialist. 10 Comments

For the next two months, I won’t give two shits whether David Villa (or David Silva, who’ll probably go to Madrid as soon as we get Mou) sold out, whether Carles Puyol or Andrés Iniesta are Catalonian nationalist douchebags (they aren’t, as far as I know–probably my favorite players on Barça, actually), or even if Joan Laporta (my second least favorite person related to Spanish soccer in any way) suddenly decides to resign. Now, it’s 100% con la Roja.

How I Got Screwed: The National Readers’ Service Magazine Company Scam

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Editor. 97 Comments

Don’t pick up the phone for 1-800 numbers. It will save you a lot of fucking time, and a LOT of fucking money.

Ewok Karaoke

by Gabe Lezra, I promise I won't post any more Star Wars for a while. No, really, I do. Believe me, please.. 3 Comments

Ewok Karaoke.

Happy Playoffs, Basketball Fans

by Gabe Lezra, Procrastinator-in-Chief. Comments Off on Happy Playoffs, Basketball Fans

Happy playoffs, everyone.

The World’s Sport–Shame on Spain; or, Why the European Soccer System is Broken

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Sports Theoretician and Political Scientist. 1 Comment

Top 5 Things I Saw on the Hill During Spring Fling

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Casual Hill Observer, R2D2 Lover, Listmaker-in-Chief. Comments Off on Top 5 Things I Saw on the Hill During Spring Fling

I’m going to go ahead and rank the coolest fucking things I saw on the hill during the day of Spring Fling. In the name of complete honesty and full disclosure and journalistic integrity (this is the famed Argus after all), I should say that these are my opinions, and if you don’t share them, then you are wrong (and to the owners of the R2D2 cooler–I will do terrible, unconscionable, unforgettable things to (a) buy that from you or (b) find out where you bought it).

Star Wars, The United Nations and The New Galactic Order

by Gabe Lezra, Argus Fanboy, Blargus Editor. 10 Comments

May 4th is International Star Wars Appreciation and Recognition of Being the Best Movie and Story in the History of the World Day; May the 4th be with all of you (BOOM). In appreciation of this monumental day of days, I have compiled–because the “real” Argus is done publishing for the semester–a Top 5 list.

The Simpsons do Tik Tok

by Gabe Lezra, Quoter of Hume, Hegel, and Homer the Ancient Epic Poet. 1 Comment

What a masterpiece from Messrs Groening et. al.; and if you were like me, you must be really tired of quoting Hume, Hegel and Homer (fucking COL). Oh wait, the joke was Homer SIMPSON. Well, guess what Wesleyanites–Homer Simpson is quoting, yeah, Ke$ha:

A Call for Campaign Finance Reform: WSA or WesOligarchs?

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Editor. 15 Comments

This is not meant to indict specific candidates, but rather to try to excise the WSA’s oligarchical tumor–we may live in a country where candidates can essentially buy their seats, but that doesn’t mean that we have to go to school and accept this same oligarchical political culture. It’s not fair; it’s not useful for us as a University; and it’s a blemish on the WSA’s reputation–whatever you may feel that is.

Independence Day 2: Yeah, they’re making it.

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Editor, Sy Fy Correspondent. 4 Comments

Independence Day 2: Yeah, they’re making it.

NOT The Father–A Maury Show Retrospective, and a Change of Power

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Editor, Chief Maury Show Correspondent, Director of Blargus Classyness and Content. 1 Comment

As power shifts over to the new Blargus team, expect some great, bountiful changes (“He that hath a bountiful eye shall be blessed; for he giveth of his bread to the poor.” Proverbs 22:9). For the record: we do have some changes coming, so expect those in the coming week or so. And for the time being, enjoy this wonder look back on the best of the Maury show.

Healthcare: A Short Thank You

by Gabe Lezra, Head of the Argus Sentimentality Division. 7 Comments

With President Obama’s signing of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act came the end of an era for a generation of Democrats, many of whom I know very intimately and have the greatest affection for.

The World’s Sport: The Art and Science of the Penalty Kick (And Why the Brazilians are Doing it Wrong)

by Gabe Lezra, Resident Penaltyist. 6 Comments

n his Twitter page (@RealKaka), Brazilian (and Real Madrid) superstar Kaká criticized his countryman Neymar for using a common technique to score a goal via penalty kick–the “paradinha”: “Essa paradinha so no Brasil!!” he exclaimed, followed by “A paradinha e uma ventagem para o cobrador, e qual a vantagem do goleiro??” As far as my (extremely limited) Portuguese and Google Translate lead me to believe, these two statements are roughly translated to “You would only see the ‘paradinha’ in Brazil!!” and “The ‘paradinha’ is an advantage for the striker. Where’s the advantage for the keeper?”

Universal Laws of Internet Porn Relativity

by Chris Kaltsas, Ben Carman, Gabe Lezra, Chief Internet Theorists. 2 Comments

2. It need not be possible to theorize a sexual act or fetish for an anime porn site to exist that is dedicated to it.

Balancing Kil Ripkin

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor . 1 Comment

A huge picture of Malcolm X covers the background of the MySpace Music page belonging to Kil Ripken, an up and coming rapper based in Coney Island, New York; his Facebook profile shows him standing next to a sign that reads “Jena High School.”

Congratulations

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor. Comments Off on Congratulations

For no real reason, I will list a number of things, in no particular order and with no justification, that deserve thumbs-up.

Unconscious Sexism, or Why I Won’t Stop Talking About Twilight (And Why You Shouldn’t Either)

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor. 15 Comments

I’m not an art historian; I’m not a professional critic, nor would I even pretend to be one.

Top 5: “Quotes” From “My Life is Twilight”

by Gabe Lezra, Emma Mohney , Twilight Aficionados. 1 Comment

After finding the monumental website “MyLifeIsTwilight.com,” we of naturally spent hours perusing its painstakingly written and edited pages. What we found was a story of broken love, blood, pain, depression, celibacy, and sex—from the point of view of a 12-year-old girl. Enjoy.

Feminism, Twilight and the End of the World

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor . 74 Comments

“Today I did a persuasive speech in my speech class on why everyone should be on Team Jacob instead of Team Edward, complete with pictures making my case. MLIT.” –From MyLifeIsTwilight.com

The World’s Sport: An Open Letter to Sepp Blatter and Thierry Henry

by Gabe Lezra, Leader of the Angry Mob. 3 Comments

It’s stupid and shortsighted to argue that video-replay is the be-all end-all of this argument: Mr. Blatter, we need strong, harsh penalties for cheaters like Henry.

Blargus Video Death Match

by Gabe Lezra, Ben Carman, Death Match Connoisseurs . 1 Comment

Troll 2 VS. Silent Night, Deadly Night 2

Argus Website Showcased on WordPress.org

by Gabe Lezra, Pathetic Argus Hype Man. 1 Comment

The World’s Sport: In Defense of Ponytail Yanking

by Gabe Lezra, Pastor of the Holy Synagogue of Argus Sports Theory. Comments Off on The World’s Sport: In Defense of Ponytail Yanking

I’m writing about what’s wrong with American (yeah, I’m singling us out) soccer.

The World’s Sport: An Open Letter to Sepp Blatter and Thierry Henry

by Gabe Lezra, Leader of the Angry Mob. Comments Off on The World’s Sport: An Open Letter to Sepp Blatter and Thierry Henry

It’s stupid and shortsighted to argue that video-replay is the be-all end-all of this argument: Mr. Blatter, we need strong, harsh penalties for cheaters like Henry.

Death Match: Fight Club

by Gabe Lezra, Founder of the Wesleyan Fight Club (or am I?). Comments Off on Death Match: Fight Club

Temper Your Douglas Cannon Hysteria

by Gabe Lezra, Head Blargus Skeptic, Chief Argus Online Hype-Man. 3 Comments

The World’s Sport: The World’s Fastest Goal

by Gabe Lezra, World-Famous Football Vlarger. 1 Comment

“Enrolled” Pilot

by Gabe Lezra, Undersecretary to the Chief of Blargus Infotainment. Comments Off on “Enrolled” Pilot

EXCLUSIVE: “Enrolled” Piloy

Top 10 Overblown Epidemics That Might Actually Kill All Of Us Someday

by Gabe Lezra, Argus Liaison to the Center for Disease Control. Comments Off on Top 10 Overblown Epidemics That Might Actually Kill All Of Us Someday

The World’s Sport: In Defense of Manchester City

by Gabe Lezra, Senior Blargus Statistical Correspondent, and Undersecretary to the Minister of Truth. 3 Comments

Why the English League, the EPL, needs teams like Manchester City to be a more interesting, more competitive league: I’m not trying to defend the hiring and buying practices (which, again, I could do), but instead only suggesting that the EPL needs teams like Man City to keep from being a boring league.

Death Match: Football

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor and World-Famous Sports Columnist. 1 Comment

Football, or soccer, is a cosmopolitan, over-arching sport that reaches people in every part of the globe, bringing hope to the hopeless and light to the darkness.

Top 10 Overblown Epidemics That Might Actually Kill All Of Us Someday

by Gabe Lezra, Rob Wohl, Ben Carman, Argus Liaisons to the Center for Disease Control, and the Face of Swine Flu at Wesleyan. Comments Off on Top 10 Overblown Epidemics That Might Actually Kill All Of Us Someday

In light of the recent controversy surrounding one of our more prolific writers and face of Swine Flu on campus, it’s the least we can do to bring to light other terrifying epidemics that have been created either by the media or by super-villains.

Top 5 Deaths in Horror Movies

by Gabe Lezra, Rob Wohl, Campaign Manager and Candidate, Rob Wohl for WSA President / Argus Liaisons to the Final Destination Franchise Marketing Department. Comments Off on Top 5 Deaths in Horror Movies

While it is statistically true that there are other great horror movies, we have been unable to find any totally magnificent death outside of the Final Destination franchise—aside for the brilliant decapitation of Paris Hilton in House of Wax.

Kentucky Wesleyan Gets H1N1 Vaccine Before We Do

by Gabe Lezra, Embedded Blargus Twitter Correspondent. 2 Comments

The World’s Sport: In Defence of Cristiano Ronaldo

by Gabe Lezra, Chief of the Blargus Board Of Undisputable Facts. 21 Comments

This column is to expose the treatment of Crisitano Ronaldo, and to a lesser extent Didier Drogba, by the British press and some fans as what it is: blatant, unabashed racism.

A Call for Death Match/Top 5 Ideas in the Print Argus

by Gabe Lezra, Blargus Arts Correspondent. 2 Comments

Top 5 Ongoing Celebrity Feuds

by Gabe Lezra, Rob Wohl, Emma Mohney, The Funniest People at the Argus—By Far . Comments Off on Top 5 Ongoing Celebrity Feuds

Jon may be a motorcycle-toting, incredibly potent, jerkoff, Kate could probably murder him, stow the body in a vat of acid, pour the acid in a river, and feed her eight children without a single person in the world knowing.

Death Match: Car and Driver’s list of “2009’s Best Cars for $20,000”

by Gabe Lezra, Associate Director of The Argus Ministry of Socio-Cultural Criticism and Improvement; Chief Undersecretary to the Director of Universal Meaning . Comments Off on Death Match: Car and Driver’s list of “2009’s Best Cars for $20,000”

Truly, it’s a new day here at the Death Match Factory.

Death Match: Luke Skywalker

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editors. Comments Off on Death Match: Luke Skywalker

A lightsaber can cut through almost anything ever conceived by any person or sentient being in the entire Universe–in fact, the only thing that it can’t cut through is another lightsaber (or those weird droid-saber things from Episode 3, but that doesn’t affect this particular argument).

Death Match: The TO Show

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editors. 1 Comment

While it is true that only a few people have achieved the sort of international face recognition as Shaq, Terrell Owens has not only managed it, but has, in many respects, managed to surpass him: unlike the good-natured, happy-go-lucky O’Neal, T.O. is a walking, talking reality show.

Death Match: 2Pac

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editors. Comments Off on Death Match: 2Pac

Welcome to Death Match, Ben–you’re about to get as shut down hard as Biggie was in Tupac’s anthem “Hit ‘Em Up”.

Top 5 Freshman-in-College Songs

by Emma Mohney , Gabe Lezra, Arts Editors. Comments Off on Top 5 Freshman-in-College Songs

Top five first year college songs.

A 100% Comprehensive Guide to Arts Events that You Missed

by Emma Mohney , Gabe Lezra, Arts Editors. Comments Off on A 100% Comprehensive Guide to Arts Events that You Missed

With our help, you, too, can experience all that the Wes art community has to offer. Don’t feel bitter. We’re sure cool acts will be here this year, too…

Editor’s Notebook

by Gabe Wofford Lezra, . Comments Off on Editor’s Notebook

I took Introduction to American Government last semester with Melanye Price, and it was one of my favorite classes at Wesleyan.

The Top Upcoming Summer Movies

by Emma Mohney , Gabe Lezra, Liz Tung, . 1 Comment

Historically speaking, the summer months are a time for wonderful, horrible movies (e.g. “Snakes On a Plane,” “The Love Guru,” anything involving Brendan Fraser).

Death Match Blurbs

by Rob Wohl, Gabe Lezra, . Comments Off on Death Match Blurbs

Bracket brackness.

Death Match Predictions

by Rob Wohl, Gabe Lezra, . Comments Off on Death Match Predictions

Pretty predictions.

Top 5 Mentally Disturbed Robots

by Liz Tung, Gabe Lezra, Arts Editors. Comments Off on Top 5 Mentally Disturbed Robots

Liz Tung and Gabe Lezra share their extensive knowledge of pathological psychology.

Unsolicited Advice on How to Spend Your Time: Prefrosh Edition

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor. Comments Off on Unsolicited Advice on How to Spend Your Time: Prefrosh Edition

In honor of WesFest weekend, “Unsolicited Advice on How to Spend Your Time” presents the Top 5 things to do as a Prefrosh at Wesleyan.

Death Match: Mamoun’s vs. Late Night (in honor of 4/20)

by Gabe Lezra, Rob Wohl, Arts Editor. Comments Off on Death Match: Mamoun’s vs. Late Night (in honor of 4/20)

Gabe Ezra: Dude, what could possibly be better than the Falafel Cart? Rob Wohl: Nah man. Nah. You clearly lack understanding.

Event Previews

by Gabe Lezra, Liz Tung, Arts Editor. Comments Off on Event Previews

Ridgefield Middle School Talent Nite and Wesleyan Guitarists’ Showcase

Brother Ali Packs a Punch at Beckham

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor. 2 Comments

The truth came to the University on Saturday night in the form of a stocky, chubby albino rapper named Ali, who thundered around the stage at Beckham Hall delivering verbal punches that would’ve made another Ali proud.

Top 5 Creepiest Television Ads (Courtesy of Dan Savage and YouTube)

by Liz Tung, Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor. Comments Off on Top 5 Creepiest Television Ads (Courtesy of Dan Savage and YouTube)

Interview With Brother Ali

by Liz Tung, Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor. 4 Comments

Next Saturday evening, independent hip-hop artist Brother Ali will come to Wesleyan for a performance at Beckham Hall.

Death Match: Han Solo

by Gabe Lezra, Assistant Arts Editor. Comments Off on Death Match: Han Solo

The thing about Han Solo that separates him from Indiana Jones is his ability to fly a spacecraft—I mean, come one, he can fly the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs, and his self modified, rebuilt Millennium Falcon can make .5 past light speed.

Top 5 Feuds

by Liz Tung, Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor. Comments Off on Top 5 Feuds

Unsolicited Advice on How to Spend Your Time

by Gabe Lezra, Assistant Arts Editor. Comments Off on Unsolicited Advice on How to Spend Your Time

Gabe Lezra offers advice on what events to check out this week.

Unsolicited Advice on How to Spend your Time

by Gabe Lezra, Assistant Arts Editor. Comments Off on Unsolicited Advice on How to Spend your Time

Clipse Brief

by Gabe Lezra, Assistant Arts Editor. Comments Off on Clipse Brief

Death Match: Efron Representative

by Gabe Lezra, Assistant Arts Editor. Comments Off on Death Match: Efron Representative

As opposed to the Jonas brothers, with their scarves and perfectly moussed hair, Zac Efron doesn’t need to make sense—he has money, sex (something the Jonas Brothers don’t have), and talent.

Top 5 Bro-iest Bros

by Gabe Lezra, Rob Wohl, Assistant Arts Editor. Comments Off on Top 5 Bro-iest Bros

Unsolicited Advice on How to Spend Your Time

by Gabe Lezra, Assistant Arts Editor. Comments Off on Unsolicited Advice on How to Spend Your Time

Friday: Skip class today and drink, because you’ll need it.

Death Match: Willenium

by Gabe Lezra, Arts Editor. Comments Off on Death Match: Willenium

Which is better: Millennium or Willennium?

Top 5 Presidents that We Want to be in a Band With (In honor of President’s Day)

by Gabe Lezra, Liz Tung, Rob Wohl, Contributing Writers. 2 Comments

Death Match: Taylor Swift

by Gabe Lezra, . Comments Off on Death Match: Taylor Swift

Like a ray of warm sunlight on the coldest winter night, Taylor Swift has appeared, and she’s proved that pop stars don’t have to rely on synthesizers and lip-synching, on producers and phony multi-person dance routines.

Despite Chaos, Inauguration Was Worth It

by Gabe Lezra, Assistant Arts Editor. Comments Off on Despite Chaos, Inauguration Was Worth It

January 20, 2009 began early for me—as it did for so many others—at around 6 a.m. I’d love to say that I awoke to the sound of hope, or something equally poetic, but really it was just my cousin’s annoying euro-techno ring tone. But even waking up to “Axel F.” by Crazy Frog couldn’t crush my spirits—I had a ticket (a “blue” one!) to the Inauguration of President Obama.

Top 5 Questionably Racist Songs by Supposedly Progressive Artists

by Rob Wohl, Gabe Lezra, Liz Tung, Arts-related Humor department. 68 Comments

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