So this is totally coming out of the blue, and will probably strike almost everyone as totally bizarre… but I’m going to go ahead and rank the coolest fucking things I saw on the hill during the day of Spring Fling. In the name of complete honesty and full disclosure and journalistic integrity (this is the famed Argus after all), I should say that these are my opinions, and if you don’t share them, then you are wrong (and to the owners of the R2D2 cooler–I will do terrible, unconscionable, unforgettable things to (a) buy that from you or (b) find out where you bought it).

5. Staff shirts the same color as the AWESOME Leninist Spring Fling Tees.
Jason Bitterman, you have outdone yourself–those T-Shirts were the coolest things I’ve ever seen on sale at Wesleyan. And to the staff, it was a phenomenally funny, smart move to have your t-shirts be the same color. Even if this wasn’t intentional, it was still sneaky. Well done.

4. Those random people dancing with Big Boi.
You were awesome. Good moves, ladies–and to the girl who muttered something to Big Boi as you were leaving, what on earth did you say?…

3. The person who, upon inspecting my cooler, seeing that I had a few bottles of water and 25 beers in it, and hearing me say “Well, it’s for me, but it’s mainly water…” said, “Well, that seems reasonable.”
You’re awesome. I have no recollection as to who you were or what you looked like even, but that made my day.

2. The dude who was giving out CRUNK ENERGY DRINKKK, who let the little kid win a prize, which was a large bottle of said energy drink.
You were awesome, and this was incredibly funny.

An open letter to the owners of this cooler: as I said before, I will do terrible, terrible things (to quote… Jar Jar) to get my hands on this cooler. Please. My email is glezra(at)wesleyan(dot)edu. Contact me.

About Gabe Lezra

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. Ezekiel 25-17.

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