Gabe Ezra: Dude, what could possibly be better than the Falafel Cart? I mean who thought that up, right? That’s the best fucking business plan ever. Bring amazing food to high and drunk people. You know what AIG should do? Make a loan-cart—bring loans to high and drunk people. Am I right?
It’s like: damn, I’m hungry, I need some food, but I’m WAY too drunk/high to walk across campus. If only there were an easy-to-access, convenient place to get AWESOME food.
TA-FUCKING-DA. The Falafel Cart.
Plus, no one’s gonna judge me at the falafel cart for being so high—because everyone ELSE is high!
(Oh, and side note—the stairs in Usdan are really judgmental. I mean look at them. Just sitting there, staring. It’s like, what the hell do you want, man? I’m just trying to live my fucking life. I don’t need you getting up in my grill. It’s just uncool. Evey time I want to get some Mozzarella sticks, there they are, judging me, like I should put on more clothes, or not be high. It’s killing my buzz, dude. Fucking party foul).
Rob Wohl: Nah man. Nah. You clearly lack understanding. First off, how beautiful is it that the Institution just grants us egg rolls and chili fries at 1 A.M. How much better do you feel knowing that Michael Strumpf cares about us enough to give us a space for greasy food EVERY NIGHT? Sure, Mamoun’s will sell us food on the weekends when they know they’ll turn a profit. But Late Night is committed to giving us egg and cheese sandwiches on Sunday night, Monday night, even Tuesday night. That’s just love, man.
Also, bro, does variety mean nothing to you? The options at Mamoun’s are so limited, ya know? There’s only like five things on that menu. I want wide open frontiers man, I want my menu option to be free and wild. I wanna be able to get a quesadilla with a fruit salad and chicken tenders. What’s Mamoun’s gonna give me? Fries? Falafel? I like falafel as much as anyone, but no one can commit to falafel every goddamn night. And dude QUESADILLAS! Quesadillas are so lovely and cheesy and important it’s hard to even talk about them. Can you get quesadillas from your precious Mamoun? No-sir-ee-Jack! Dude quesadillas…they’re just like cheese and bread and they have so much history and just…just…just.
GL: Do you wanna get some food, dude?
RW: Oh, totes man. Totes. I could attack some mozz stix. And they’re so much better at Late Nite.
GL: I’m kinda feeling cheese fries.
RW: Oh whatevs dude. Still better at Usdan.
GL: Nah, man, I’m outa points.
RW: Aw shit. Well I’m not fucking to going to Mamoun’s again. The guy who takes the money keeps shafting me. I know I man. He’s taking advantage. There’s gotta be somewhere else to go.
GL: Is Weshop open?
RW: Nah dude. It’s Friday. They’ve been closed for like eight hours.
GL: Shit, I had no idea it was that late.
RW: Yeah. Well it is. And I had a hard week man. I had to write a paper about a painting and my cat ran away and I jus feel like the world’s falling apart and I just wanna relax and get a goddamn quesadilla and shit. (sobs)
GL: Alright, let me get my coat, chill out.