Historically speaking, the summer months are a time for wonderful, horrible movies (e.g. “Snakes On a Plane,” “The Love Guru,” anything involving Brendan Fraser). While we may not see anything on par with “Return of the Mummy” this season, we still have some strong contenders and movies that look pretty legit awesome (hellloooo young Spock!). So kick back and get ready for a great three months of moderately amusing, overpriced blockbusters designed to distract us from our miserable, recession- and swine flu-filled existences.
Star Trek (May 8) – J.J. Abrams and his band of semi-known actors go where no Hollywood types have gone before—the Starship Enterprise. Can Chris Pine (lately of Princess Diaries 2) pull off a true William Shatner heroic-thoughtful gaze? We’ll see…
Brüno (May 15) – Sacha Baron Cohen (a.k.a. Borat) plays a gay Austian fashionista named Brüno. Choice quote from the trailer: “How do you defend yourself against a man with a dildo?”
Angels & Demons (May 15) – This movie, and the whole “Da Vinci Code” series, is essentially Jason Bourne minus everything good about Jason Bourne. Can Tom Hanks save the Vatican from the Vatican? WHO THE FUCK CARES?
Terminator Salvation (May 22) – See why Christian Bale felt it necessary to say “fuck” 26 times to some random guy (“Jeez, do you beat your mother with that mouth?”). Seriously, though, think Michael Bay + “Hasta la vista, baby” = Shia LaBitch.
Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian (May 22) – Watch Ben Stiller fight random historical figures that would almost certainly kill him in real life, like Al Capone, the Nazis, and Amelia Earhart… AGAIN!
Year One (June 19) – Jack Black and Michael Cera stars in a biblical comedy directed by Harold Ramis hat includes Hank Azaria as Abraham. WTF.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24) – OMGMICHAELBAYMICHAELOMGBAYOMG
MICHAELBAYBAYMICABYOMBAYMICAYBHAEOMLGAOMBFGOMLOLZOMFgG111!!!!!11!1
Public Enemies (July 1) – Johnny Depp plays infamous bank robber John Dillinger, with Billy Crudup as Edgar Hoover. Oh yeah, and Christian Bale (in his second major summer performance) plays FBI Agent Melvin Purvis.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (July 17) – Everyone knows the 6th book is where it gets intense. David Yates (HP 5) directs, the whole cast is back, and !&#*# kills *&@&#!!! (censored for anyone who’s lived under a rock for the past three years)
Land of the Lost (July 19) – Will Ferrell + dinosaur monsters called Sleestaks + primate sidekick + based on nerdy 1970s TV show = cheesy greatness? Or just cheesy?
G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra (August 7) – The thing that these big Hollywood types don’t get is that the Mayan apocalypse will essentially be the Rise of the Cobra (the giant winged serpent-God Kulkukán, that is). But guess what, motherfucker? America, GI Joe, and Freedom are gonna kick your ass. (Note: this has nothing to do with the plot of GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra).
Inglourious Basterds [sic] (August 21) – This Tarantino film is about a group of Jewish Americans called the “Basterds” who’re chosen to spread fear throughout the Third Reich by scalping and killing Nazis. It also has possibly THE weirdest cast ever: Brad Pitt, Diane Kruger, Cloris Leachman, and… Mike Myers and B.J. Novak?