Truly, it’s a new day here at the Death Match Factory. Under the watchful eye of our new leader, Hollywood’s Seth Green, morale is up, and disfiguring industrial accidents are already way, way down. Keep up the good work, Boss.

In order to critique the merits of these two lists, it’s important to consider the magazines themselves: while “Pitchfork” is named after a relatively useless piece of farm equipment, championed mainly by the loathsome dragon Satan himself, “Car and Driver” calls on our better angels. This is more than just a battle between these two publications: this is a battle between heaven and hell, between Good and Evil, between Victory and Defeat. As President Ronald Reagan said (and I paraphrase—kind of) “Is there more or less Good in the world than there was ten years ago? […] I think your choice is very obvious as to whom you will vote for.”

The problem with the “Pitchfork” ratings is that they don’t recognize the power of the consumer. On the other hand, in “Car and Driver,” the editors don’t attempt to rate cars on their “merits,” instead recognizing that the consumers have the agency in this situation. An arbitrary title of “better” or “worse” doesn’t make sense when comparing the 1996-1997 Porsche Boxter to the 1999-2000 BMW M Coupe—they’re clearly great cars, especially for under twenty thousand dollars. How can one compare the relative value of these classic luxury cars with the raw power of the 2006-2008 Chevy Trailblazer SS? Or the shock effect of the new 2010 Mazda 3? Or the compact durability of the 2009 Mini Cooper?

In fact, the editors of “Pitchfork” actually make an offensive, elitist argument that they can arbitrarily tell people what music to enjoy—and even what music is “better” or “worse.” “Car and Driver” is not only the superior publication in terms of the battle between heaven and hell, but it also places the power back into the hands of the American public; these cars all have different merit, and don’t deserved to be randomly assigned a number in a list, spoon-fed to the American people as the “truth.” 

“Car and Driver” embraces the essence of Democracy; unlike the elitist “Pitchfork,” “Car and Driver” represents the spirit of America, of true social critique, by putting us, the readers, behind the wheel.