Friday: “Celebrate” the end of Spring Break by watching ten straight hours of “Girls Gone Wild” while crying into your handle of Jim Beam. Be safe, though—drag your drunken ass to the Sexual Health Expo in the Exley Lobby at 12pm. It’s a perfect opportunity to hit on girls and/or guys by offering them pulls from your mysterious brown bag. Pass out drunk at 2 pm, naked, in front of your TV. Make sure you wake up by 8 pm so you can make it to Sean Chin’s Senior Thesis production Have At You Now! An Examination of Violent Encounters in the ’92 Theatre (get your ticket in advance). Resume watching Girls Gone Wild videos, and drink another handle—remember, Jim and Jack are your only friends.
Saturday: Make sure you recycle all the glass from last night—EON will kill you otherwise. Nothing’s better for a hangover than saving the environment, one handle of Jack Daniels at a time. You’ve probably spent most of your day in the bathroom by this point—that’s OK. Have a beer to celebrate purifying your body. After a few more drinks, head over to the World Music Hall at 7 p.m., for Terpsichore, where the dancers will literally blow you(r mind). Thoroughly blown, chug a Red Bull and then attack the Bayit—where, at 10 p.m., Fashion People, Last Minutes, Mad Wow Disease will make passionate love to your ears. True story. Play like a champion: Finish the night in bed with a members of one of the bands. No excuses.
Sunday: Spend the entire day following Mytheos Holt around and asking him, over and over again, where he gets his suits.