Celebrity has always had a place in powerful administrations. Allow me to remind you of President Ronald Reagan, Senator Bill Bradley, and County Dogcatcher Scott Baio. But why must celebrities be limited to politics when there is an entire world of higher education? Thus, I propose that Wesleyan University hires the Wu-tang Clan as deans of this fine institution. The benefits would be manifold:
Did you know that there were tons of presidents before George Washington? People say that they don’t count since it was under the Articles of Confederation. Well that’s twaddle! Did gravity not count before Isaac Newton? Did everyone fly around and live in outer-space villages? The answer is no, most of them did not. When will Nathaniel Gorham get his moment in the spotlight? Cyrus Griffin awaits his fifteen minutes. But the powerful George Washington lobby is stopping the word from getting out. Spread the word and stop this balderdash! George Washington didn’t even have teeth! Is that the man we want as our first president?
In light of the recent writer’s strike we decided to write our own television episode of the new CBS sitcom “Welcome to the Captain.” However, we have never seen this show, nor do we know much about it. On the CBS website we were able to find out the characters’ names and a brief description of them.
I know what you’re thinking. How can this Halloween top last year’s Spooktactular Frightfest where you watched Monster House and ate those candy corns hat look like pumpkins? Well it can! There is spookiness all around you, if you know the right places to look. Just use this little guide to help put your Halloween in perspective.
MIDDLETOWN- SWAT teams stormed the house of Middletown resident, God, following allegations of child molestation on Sunday night. The Almighty was accused of three counts of sexual abuse last week. God was held at the Middlesex County Jail where the $150,000 bail was immediately posted with a Mastercard.
Yeah, you! The one who is at every party. The one who is introducing me to my friends. The one that just took my girlfriend back to some room. Well you know what I did? I left that party alone. I walked back to my dorm, I cried and I masturbated…at the same time. Not so different from any other night, you may say. But you’d be wrong because there was hatred in my heart. Please don’t come to Wes.
You think God is perfect? Well he isn’t. It took a lot of trial and error before he got the Ten Plagues just right. Plaguing humanity is not an exact science, just look at Tim Allen’s career. Here are some of the plagues that didn’t quite make it into The Bible and are better off forgotten: Gold- Love of money is said to be the root of all evil, but the Egyptians somehow didn’t mind this plague too much.
Mitt Romney’s Power Point mentioned some possible nicknames that will be used by his opponents, including the uninspired "Slick Mitt" and "Flip Flop Mitt." Here are some newly found nicknames that did not make the final slideshow.
The following are a few letters from a large collection that I wrote starting in freshman year of high school. I was a star-crossed lover who was in way over his head, but I suppose that’s love. Watch as my journey from a naïve romantic, to paranoid lover, to a bitter, heartbroken man unfolds!
Dear Wesleyan Connection Readers, we regret to have to inform you of a reprehensible event that has occurred on our campus. It has recently come to our attention that the Hasidic Jews who are so often outside of Davenport Campus Center are guilty of racial profiling. We first became aware of this when Shlomo Goldsteinberg ’10 emailed Dean of Diversity Danny Teraguchi last week to complain.
It was a Wednesday night when I first saw Senator John Kerry (D-MA) take the stage, nervously standing in front of the classic brick wall backdrop, where he floundered about in front of a less-than-captivated audience. But such is the struggle of a new standup comic.
Last week Mark Kelley wrote one spicy meatball of a review of my restaurant. I just wanted to clear the air and give you all the facts before you decide not to eat here. First and foremost, we never claim to be the end all be all of Italian dining. It’s no Olive Garden or nothing, but it’s nice, like a hilariously large moustache.
With the new class of 1910, Wesleyan University has made great strides to diversify its student population by admitting men from a slightly wider array of economic backgrounds. Some current students see this new class as "no-good rascals," "ne’er-do-wells," and "ragamuffins," while others look forward to the breath of fresh air that the ’10ers bring.
Last Friday, Wesleyan was treated to a night of socially thought-provoking lyricism at Psi Upsilon. The concert featured underground hip-hop star Immortal Technique, but perhaps the biggest draw to the event was the appearance of Pope Benedict XVI as Technique’s opening act.
Word on the street is that sixty-six freshmen have been forced into triples in the Butts. The reason is some combination of Reslife going abroad and too few juniors being morons, or something to that extent. Speaking from experience, being forced into a threesome is not fun. The last time it happened to me was when this girl made me watch Garden State with her.
Wesleyan University is an old, prestigious school with a rich history. Orientation Week is your chance to partake in the timeless tradition of stealing that history. The Orientation Scavenger Hunt, commonly referred to as "Grave Robbing" and "Good Ol’ Fashioned Larceny," is a tradition dating back to the Egyptians. While it is not a University-sanctioned event, it sure is a lot of fun.
I didn’t learn anything my freshman year and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard I will party with Andrew W.K., so I guess I’ll just write about how everyone in my life is leaving me. The Ampersand is really like a family. Katie Brown is the mom, but one of those cool moms who doesn’t yell at you for submitting stuff late and encourages you to drink and have unprotected sex.
The end of the semester is generally known for great weather, flowers blossoming, breakups, and devil-may-care attitudes towards drunken hookups. There is, however, a much darker side to it all: death. Here are some recent obituaries:
For too long the seedy underbelly of greed, corruption, and gang violence has gone unchecked during Wesfest. It’s no secret that the horrifying, and often violent, feud between Early Decision and Regular Decision prefrosh has a long and bloody history. The once uneasy tension has recently escalated to all an out listserv conflict.
While seniors are busy finishing their theses, everyone else has their mind on something that is actually important, or at least something that I care about: housing. Some people desperately try to assemble the perfect group, avoiding that guy. Others come to the sad realization that they are that guy.
I didn’t spend any time with the new puppy because of the following bad experience: It was the winter of 1999 and middle school was going great. On an early February morning I was wandering around the Bronx with a puppy, as sixth graders often do, when four policemen jumped out of a car. “NYPD. Freeze,” they yelled to a man, “Put your hands up.”
Point: Contrary to popular belief, being alone is not a bad thing, especially on Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to worry about buying gifts or remembering anniversaries. Also, there are plenty of great things that are best when done on your own, like reading, single-player mode in Mario Kart, or riding a tandem bike alone.
The Israel-Palestinian conflict really gets my goat. I mean, it’s a lot like a party if you think about it. Sure, sometimes the party can get rowdy and sometimes Israel calls the cops, the U.S., to come and make sure their flat-screen TV isn’t stolen or those strangers don’t hook up in their roommates’ bed.
For me, the one enjoyable part of the holidays is the notion of a "Christmas Miracle–" but there are too many misconceptions shrouding the idea. Having your picture taken at a mall with an imitation Santa who gets his jollies by having pre-pubescent kids sit on his lap is most certainly not a miracle. It’s just creepy.
Lets face it. The WSA elections can’t be taken seriously, Tom Delay could have been elected had he lived in Fauver. In hopes of the making next year’s WSA election based on policy and less on popularity, The Ampersand will be taking an objective look at some candidates, their platforms, and their pros and cons as possible representatives of our university.
There are some laws that are, plain and simple, meant to be broken: jaywalking, transporting fugitives across state lines, stealing from Mocon, killing drifters, et al. Breaking these petty statutes gives you a sense of power and excitement so you don’t question other, more significant laws, which might have actual consequences. If you’re going to jump into the deep end of a life of crime, however, you should have some swimming lessons.
College has been described to me as being a lot like the movie Caligula, except the girls aren’t your sister. As far as I could tell, college was going to be one giant sex party and you didn’t need to buy a ticket in advance!