With the new class of 1910, Wesleyan University has made great strides to diversify its student population by admitting men from a slightly wider array of economic backgrounds. Some current students see this new class as “no-good rascals,” “ne’er-do-wells,” and “ragamuffins,” while others look forward to the breath of fresh air that the ’10ers bring.

Donald Worthington ’09 is in favor of the University’s new admissions policy. Said Worthington, “It’s the best idea before sliced bread! I love that the university is trying to diversify by admitting poorer, but still relatively wealthy, white men, instead of just the super-rich. With women on the verge of being kicked out, we really need to fill that second-class-citizen void.”

But not all are as open minded as Worthington. “How am I supposed to bring sexy back with all these poorer people around?” complained Richard Whiteman ’08. “I even heard that some of them aren’t planning on voting for Taft. A vote for Williams Jennings Bryan is a vote against this University, white supremacy, and God himself. What do they think this is, Captain Partridge’s Good-Time Family Band University?”

The new class of students has felt the discrimination of their peers. “It isn’t fair,” whined one slightly-less-privileged underclassman. “We’re not allowed in the fraternities, and were given the worst dorms on campus. Fauver has flatscreen plasma radio boxes, indoor plumbing, and electricity, while we have nothing. Those other guys think they’re the cat’s pajamas, but hear you me, they aren’t.”

These attitudes have manifested themselves as a comical series of harassments and pranks in a turn of events that bears a strikingly strong resemblance to the plot of Revenge of the Nerds, a talking moving-picture show that will be released in 1984. (Or so I’m guessing.) This saga will probably climax with a competition in which the underdogs win, allowing for all sorts of undesirables to be admitted in one hundred years. But regardless of your stance on the admissions matter, I think we can all agree that Lord Jeffery Amherst did a good thing by killing all those Indians.