Last Friday, Wesleyan was treated to a night of socially thought-provoking lyricism at Psi Upsilon. The concert featured underground hip-hop star Immortal Technique, but perhaps the biggest draw to the event was the appearance of Pope Benedict XVI as Technique’s opening act.

When Ned Lamont chose not to grace students with his god-like presence Friday night, Psi U was in desperate need of a new opener for Immortal Technique. Their backup performer, Joe Lieberman, was busy playing the shofar at B’nai Jacob Synagogue. “We needed an MC who has controversial views to complement Immortal Technique’s style,” said Joey Bronson ’07, “Someone who isn’t afraid to shake things up but is also able to get a party started. So then my friend Bobby’s like, ‘Well, what about the Pope?’ I call J-Ratz up and lo-behold, he’s free”.

The Pope, who goes by MC Benedick [“Good Penis”, for the Latin impaired –ed.], did not disappoint. His hype man, Archbishop Giovanni Lajolo, came out yelling, “X-V-I gon’ give it to ya! He gon’ to give it to ya!” Benedict’s lyrics often invoked cheers from the audience. Examples of the high-energy, politically-charged lyrics being spat on Friday night included “I got to pay mad child support dues/’cuz I don’t believe in a woman’s right to choose” and “They say I’m infallible so I speak the truth/so what if I was in the Hitler Youth?”

“I had no idea the Pope was so revolutionary. He was all like, ‘Fuck the Swiss Guard, comin’ straight out the Vatican.’ I was really feeling it,” said Zach Kelly ’10. “Uncle Sham is always trying to keep the Papacy down.”

Halfway through his set, Benedict stopped to honor the 265 Popes who have fallen before him. He then proceeded to emotionally pour out a 40 of communion wine on stage, bawling, “This one’s for you, J.P.2, gone but not forgotten.”

After the show, Immortal Technique had this to say about his opening act: “He really brought it tonight. He fired up the crowd and stole the show. The guy is a wordsmith, a lyrical genius. He really thinks about what he’s going to say.”

“He’s more of the new school; I’m straight up old school,” added the Pope when asked to comment on Immortal Technique, “He’s Vatican II, and I’m Vatican I. I’m like, ‘Let’s keep busting these rhymes in Latin.’ Tech and I are tight, but we don’t always see eye to eye. I don’t think Bush knocked down the towers. I mean, he isn’t Catholic, but he’s one of the good ones, ya dig?”

Wesleyan had the honor of being the Pope’s first stop in his College Hip-Hop Tour. The original tour name, “Pope Benedict’s Tourgasm!,” had to be dropped due to a pending lawsuit. “Dane Cook is being a real jerk about it,” said a spokesman for the Pope. The New Babylonian Captivity Tour, as it was renamed, will bring the Pope and his entourage of cardinals to 28 colleges in the northeast between now and December, essentially moving the Papacy to small liberal art schools for the next three months. “I figured I’d do Wesleyan on Rosh Hashanah and Brandeis on Yom Kippur. There are just some elements I don’t want in my audience,” disclosed the Pope. “I’m just not too sure about those sorts of people, if you catch my drift.”