College has been described to me as being a lot like the movie Caligula, except the girls aren’t your sister. As far as I could tell, college was going to be one giant sex party and you didn’t need to buy a ticket in advance!

But my disillusions came to a crashing end soon after I saw how my living quarters compared those of my peers. Did you know that one of the most successful pick-up lines amongst freshmen has been, “I live in Fauver”? Which is second only to “Hey, I write for the Ampersand.” Think about the self-confidence that comes with taking someone back to a room with air conditioning and a plasma TV. What chance do I have against that? Especially when my best line is, “don’t worry about the hot, stale, unventilated air; it’ll sort of be like we’re making out…all night long. Sure we’re sweating our balls off, but we’re sweating them off together.” And who says there’s no romance in college?

While I may not have air conditioning, know this: if you play your cards right, I’ll take you back to my place and I’ll even let you sleep next to the wall. When you wake up from the sweltering heat, you can press your face to the cinder blocks to keep cool. Call me old fashioned, but that’s really the least a guy can do in this day and age.