The following are a few letters from a large collection that I wrote starting in freshman year of high school. I was a star-crossed lover who was in way over his head, but I suppose that’s love. Watch as my journey from a naïve romantic, to paranoid lover, to a bitter, heartbroken man unfolds!

Sept 7, 2001

Dear Shakira,

You don’t really know me yet but that will all change soon. You see, we were meant to be together. I just know it! When you’re booty shakes, my hands tremble, my lips quiver, my knees buckle, I’m smitten. If we were on that new show Survivor, I could never vote you out. I don’t care about outplaying, outsmarting, OR outlasting when I’m with you. I’ve never said this to a girl before, but I love you. I’m just glad we’ve found each other. Hope to hear from you soon.

Your number one fan,

Brendan

April 27, 2003

Dear Shakira,

I knew you were engaged when I got myself involved with you. At first I thought I would be okay with it but I’m not. Call me selfish but I need you all to myself. It’s time you make a decision. Either we end our sordid affair or we tell your fiancée, and the your fans, and most importantly, my friends that we’re in love.
We need to yell it from the highest mountains and get photographed together. I need documented proof that we’re the new Bennifer, my family thinks I’m making this up.

Still yours,

Brendan

July 2, 2006

Dear Shakira,

Your hips might not lie but you sure do! You aren’t returning my phone calls or writing back. Our relationship has been in trouble for some time now, we just aren’t communicating anymore. These are serious problems, the type of things that a signed 8×10 glossy photo won’t fix. I’m sorry but we’re through. I wanted this to work but it shouldn’t have to be this hard. We could have been great, you and I, but now you’ll just go back to being a Latin pop, Grammy winning sensation and I’ll just go back to appreciating your music- no strings attached.

Your ex-lover,

Brendan

July 3, 2006

I’m sorry, baby. I was in a bad way last night I didn’t mean it. I’ll never be over you. I think you said it best, ‘Whenever, wherever, we’re meant to be together.’ And I was totally kidding, please include an autographed headshot.

Your ex-ex-lover, who you are now dating again,

Brendan