For me, the one enjoyable part of the holidays is the notion of a “Christmas Miracl—quot; but there are too many misconceptions shrouding the idea. Having your picture taken at a mall with an imitation Santa who gets his jollies by having pre-pubescent kids sit on his lap is most certainly not a miracle. It’s just creepy.

People need to get their priorities straight. What about a high budget, made for TV Christmas special, entitled xXx-Mas, where Vin Diesel and Ice Cube team up to fight terrorism? That’s the type of miracle we’re shooting for. Actually, reading this far into my article is nothing short of miraculous. So here’s my Christmas Miracle List:

This year I hope my brother won’t be a cheap bastard. Perhaps the absolute worst part about Christmas is guestimating how much money to spend on gifts. I would hate to buy an expensive, new fangled gadget for my brother when all I receive is a coupon for ‘One (1) Free Back Massage’. If your gift sets me back forty bucks that massage better come with a happy ending, mister.

It would be a miracle if this year, my Uncle Dan didn’t show up at my house on Christmas Eve plastered, complaining, and threatening to kill himself. As glad as I am he’s still alive at the end of every year, I sort of wish he would choose someone else’s lap to bury his head in while he cries until he passes out. Maybe I’m being selfish but he seems to enjoy resting his head against my loins just a little too much for my comfort.

While my miracles may seem overly idealistic, Christians are supposed to be faithful, or whatever. Realistically, the least I can hope for is my grandpa not hiring a prostitute for me again. That was just awkward for all parties involved.