Word on the street is that sixty-six freshmen have been forced into triples in the Butts. The reason is some combination of Reslife going abroad and too few juniors being morons, or something to that extent. Speaking from experience, being forced into a threesome is not fun. The last time it happened to me was when this girl made me watch Garden State with her. It wasn’t a ménage a trois as much as us watching Zach Braff jerk off for 102 minutes. Heyo! Garden State burn, and not a moment too late. Either way, it was not very enjoyable.
Dan Gold ’10, who barely managed to form sentences between fits of hysterics, giggled, “I love living in the Butts… teehee! The dorm’s name is like a person’s rear end… teehee! It’s been two weeks and I still can’t ever imagine butt jokes getting old. Ever!”
When asked about bunking beds to conserve space, Brian Lawrence ’10 said, “It’s great. One of my roommates is going to be a Film Studies major and he’s on the top bunk, so we were able to rig a system of mirrors to tape me tagging a bunch of honeys during Orientation Week. I’m sorry, I just realized how sleazy that came off. What I meant to say was he filmed me having sexual intercourse with a handful of fine young co-eds. So this triple thing is really working out great for us! Especially since my other roommate likes to watch and is adding commentary for the DVD. I’d say the whole experience has really brought our room together.”
But could there be trouble in the paradise that is a triple in the Butts? Not all freshmen are as thrilled about their living arrangement. When asked which of his roommates he likes less, John Cooper ’10 responded, “Well, strictly off the record, that Brian is a douche. I hope he kills himself so I can get straight A’s like in that movie, you know the one, with Zach Morris? But promise you won’t publish that, because if this gets out, things are going to be pretty weird between us.” Something tells me the uneasy tension of a triple will get to these young lads some time after this article goes to print.