In light of the recent writer’s strike we decided to write our own television episode of the new CBS sitcom “Welcome to the Captain.” However, we have never seen this show, nor do we know much about it. On the CBS website we were able to find out the characters’ names and a brief description of them.

After that we went with our gut and thought of how the show should be made. Most noteable was our risky choice of replacing Hispanic Jesus with the Christian messiah. We think that more hilarity will ensue down the road, for we think this show will be on for a long time.

Welcome to the Captain, Episode 103:

Josh Rides the Queen Mary

Theme Song: “Love Will Keep Us Together” by Captain and Teneille

Voice over- On a very special episode of “Welcome to the Captain”:

Enter JOSH and MARTY (loud laughtrack applause)

Josh- So then I said, ’flapjacks?’ I thought you said, “sit on my face.”

Marty- Oh Josh, you tell the funniest stories. I love you.

Reach the door of “El Captain,” their swanky Hollywood apartment building. Jesus, the doorman is there to greet them.

Jesus- Oh boy, do I have some gossip for you boys. Did you hear about Charlene? She eats baby pandas to stay young. She skins them and uses them for her wig!

Josh- That’s impossible! She’s supposed to seduce me, I don’t want to be seduced by a panda eating lady.

Marty- Wait, Josh you liked Hope.

Jesus- That Hope is one earthy lady. And an aspiring acupuncturist to boot! In fact, I just came back from letting her practice on me. (He reveals his palms which have two gaping wounds.) You don’t even want to see my feet. (Cue laugh track.)

Marty- Thanks for that juicy tidbit, Jesus.

MARTY and JOSH proceed into the lobby of the apartment building, running into UNCLE SAUL at the mailboxes. SAUL, a former writer for Three’s Company speaks only in Three’s Company references.

Josh- Hey Uncle Saul!

Saul- Hey Josh! You never “Come knock on my door” anymore buddy.

Josh- Well, I guess I have been busy or something.

Saul- You’re not having lady troubles, are you? Because I can help! You remember episode #317 of Three’s Company? I wrote that one. All you have to do is…

Josh- No, Saul. I’m not having lady problems.

Saul- Oh Josh, you’re not gay are you?

Jesus- Ewww, this is almost as juicy as Astrid’s new herpes break out (Jesus opens his mouth to reveal sores).

Marty (internal)- Josh can’t be gay, I love him!

Saul- Josh, please tell me you’re gay. I have all these jokes I never used from Three’s Company. I thought of “Tippee Toes” you know, but I never got to call him my favorite nickname “Queer.”

Josh- No, no, no, I’m not gay Saul. I just don’t have time for this. I have to go to my movie set.

Saul- Hey look Josh, it’s okay. John Ritter was gay…

Jesus- And that’s why he’s dead!

Josh- I’m not gay, I’ll prove it! I’ll get a date for this Friday night, and I’ll have sex with her, and…and… videotape it. I’ll even smile while I’m fucking her so you’ll know I’m liking it.

(Josh runs out of the room.)

Jesus (Internal Monologue)- Oh boy, I can’t wait to tell Buddha about this!