There are some laws that are, plain and simple, meant to be broken: jaywalking, transporting fugitives across state lines, stealing from Mocon, killing drifters, et al. Breaking these petty statutes gives you a sense of power and excitement so you don’t question other, more significant laws, which might have actual consequences. If you’re going to jump into the deep end of a life of crime, however, you should have some swimming lessons. Primarily, you need to know how to deal with the fuzz. So knock yourself out and hang ten on this current crime wave, but bear in mind that PeaceSafe will be waiting for you at shore. They’ll be the gnarly dudes behind Nicolson that don’t attend Wesleyan and aren’t stealing stuff. Here are two huge tips to keep you out of the slammer.

Go to the paint shop. Have five stars? Need a quick escape? Sort of regretting killing all those hookers for so few dead presidents? Being pursued for ganking that police car? It’s all good! Just take your car to the local paint shop to get rid of your stars and fool the cops. It’s that simple, and you can customize your car to the color of your liking, which is pretty kickin’ rad. [Mostly just works in video games – Ed.]

Use your civil rights. When dealing with officers of the law, your first instinct might be to yell, “Step off! Quit icing my grill.” This is not the best course of action. Cops are more than happy to throw down against scrawny, uppity college boys. With the help of the 4th and 5th amendments, however, you don’t have to answer any of their questions or be searched. Simply say, “I do not consent to this.” Like me on a Saturday night, they’re used to hearing this phrase. Just make sure you mean it when you say it. Pretend you’re all that and a bag of chips, and you know it! [Might actually work in real life. Maybe. – Ed.]

Now that you know how to deal with the Po Po, I can sleep easy knowing that I did my part to contribute to the Great Crime Wave of 2005, as it will surely come to be known. And all that without stealing or shooting anything.