I didn’t learn anything my freshman year and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard I will party with Andrew W.K., so I guess I’ll just write about how everyone in my life is leaving me.

The Ampersand is really like a family. Katie Brown is the mom, but one of those cool moms who doesn’t yell at you for submitting stuff late and encourages you to drink and have unprotected sex. You all know the type of mom that I’m talking about, right? Johann is like the deadbeat dad that I never had, while Nat is that guy who you and your brothers call “Uncle Nat,” but he isn’t really your uncle at all. He’s just that guy who lives with you and sometimes bones your mom, but “uncle” makes it sound like a much nicer situation. To be honest, it wasn’t a bad situation at all. Uncle Nat knows some really good jokes. Steve Aubrey and Jess Lane are the older siblings that teach you all about transphobic holocaust denying and big fat senior cocks, respectively, of course. Sure, it’s dysfunctional, but aren’t all families?

I wanted them to stay here, not forever, just until I graduated. Katie said no. Which was fine, it wasn’t the first time I was rejected by a Brown. But before she left, she was sure to dispel the rumor of senior week, which is not a week of debauchery, just awkward interactions with reunion classes and mandatory softball games. So I guess I did learn something: people grow up, move on, and leave you behind.

I guess I still have Snakes on a Plane, which promises to be Pearl Harbor and United 93 all rolled up into one great movie, minus Cuba Gooding Jr., terrorism, and Japanese pilots, plus Samuel L. Jackson, snakes, and Kenan & Kel, minus Kel. Whatever it is, hopefully it won’t leave me in a year, move to Brooklyn, and get a fancy job. Because I don’t think my heart could take it.