The Israel-Palestinian conflict really gets my goat. I mean, it’s a lot like a party if you think about it. Sure, sometimes the party can get rowdy and sometimes Israel calls the cops, the U.S., to come and make sure their flat-screen TV isn’t stolen or those strangers don’t hook up in their roommates’ bed. But a lot of the time, the U.S. just shows up without being asked. You sure as hell know Jordan didn’t file a noise complaint, because they’re hiding their share of empty kegs on the back porch.

One night, Israel and Palestine will just be hanging out, having a good time with some friends, maybe they invite Sweden, hoping to get a little jiggy, and the U.S. will bust up in their room and be all like, “You kids are underage, you can’t be doing that.”

Well you know what? They’re going to do it anyway. Why don’t we just let them be? Israel is a young nation, and it needs to make its own mistakes. It works hard all week, it gets pushed around by the jocks. Why can’t we just let it live its life? That’s so like us, always harshing everybody’s mellow.