Yeah, you! The one who is at every party. The one who is introducing me to my friends. The one that just took my girlfriend back to some room. Well you know what I did? I left that party alone. I walked back to my dorm, I cried and I masturbated…at the same time. Not so different from any other night, you may say. But you’d be wrong because there was hatred in my heart. Please don’t come to Wes.

Maybe you are cool in your high school, but you’re at a higher level of education now. I’m in college, I’m supposed to be cooler than you. Some nights, I drink a beer, just because I can. That’s right my parent can’t stop me, even if it’s a Monday. What? You’re an orphan. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. Who is your guardian? LeBron James?! No way! Hell yeah, I want to talk to him!

Hey, LeBron. Yeah, your pre-frosh is great. No really, it’s my pleasure. You’re going to fly me out to a game? Wow, thanks man! Bye! I still hate you, kid.

You might think you’re cool with your LeBron James foster dad. But I don’t care about some FHM model you’ve “banged”. Models? What? Four! At the same time! Yeah, right. Wait…you’ve got pictures? Maybe I’ll just take a peek, for corroboration’s sake. Just because you hang out with supermodels doesn’t mean I like you.

Look, let me level with you. Can I write you a letter of recommendation to get you off of Brown’s waitlist, or something? Oh, you already had Bill Clinton and George Clinton take care of that for you? Okay, well I’m just going to sleep on my floor, I’ll try not to be too loud with my sobbing.

Dear pre-frosh that is less cool than me,

[If such a young person exists-] Welcome to Wesleyan. You’re next four years will be great, just follow my lead.