Did you know that there were tons of presidents before George Washington? People say that they don’t count since it was under the Articles of Confederation. Well that’s twaddle! Did gravity not count before Isaac Newton? Did everyone fly around and live in outer-space villages? The answer is no, most of them did not. When will Nathaniel Gorham get his moment in the spotlight? Cyrus Griffin awaits his fifteen minutes. But the powerful George Washington lobby is stopping the word from getting out. Spread the word and stop this balderdash! George Washington didn’t even have teeth! Is that the man we want as our first president?

Topher Doulin, 5th Grade Class President, Millard Fillmore Elementary
Doulin’s impassioned speech at the Boys Party Convention won him the nomination. Soon his newly coined phrase, “I will not be crucified on a cross of chocolate milk,” could be heard echoing throughout the playground. After winning the class election, Topher’s opponent, Cynthiana McDonald, claimed that he had stolen the election by not allowing absentee ballots to be counted. The mainstay of McDonald’s political base, girls ages 10-11, was inflicted by a pandemic of kooties, which kept students from the polls. Doulin will be forever memorialized within the hallowed halls of Millard Fillmore Elementary by his acceptance speech, making the bold pronouncement, “Boys rule!”

The Presidents of the United States of America
Not everyone knows that our great nation had a president from Seattle, let alone four of them! Chris Ballew, Dave Dederer, Jason Finn and Andrew McKeag have served two terms (1993-1998, 2000-Present). They were elected on a staunch pro-agriculture platform that promised an end to national hunger, advocating, “millions of peaches, peaches for free.” However, their widespread approval soon turned sour, as their subsequent pronouncements of “millions of peaches, peaches for me” echoed the same selfish politicking that voters were wary of. Yet the Presidents proved their political staying power with the rise of the anti-immigration movement, as their unflappable patriotism in the face of a ninja attack won them support throughout the deep South.

Rod Young, President of the International Wilford Brimley fan club
People go to great lengths to become president; Rod Young gave himself diabetes to earn such a title. As head of the Wilford Brimley fan club, his jobs includes checking his blood sugar, checking it often, and maintaining a fanzine that is read throughout the elderly population of the Midwest. Young has the responsibilities of supporting LDS missions and promoting Brimley’s cockfighting activism. The key to his success as president of such a prestigious fan club relies on remaining true to Brimley’s gruff portrayal as the manager in “The Natural” and spending every free moment wound up in a cocoon.