Good Taste in Clothing Returns to Wesleyan

Dear Wesleyan Future Fashion Influencers, or “FFI”s, 

Welcome to the only place on campus with a sense of taste. During the height of New York Fashion Week, my contacts at Runway Magazine informed me that Wesleyan is overrun by film majors with terminally online fashion sense, discount Brooks Brothers models, and athletes who only wear their teams’ grey sweatsuits. It became clear that I needed to step in after Wisdom Kaye mentioned a deluge of “fake Anthony Kiedises” at northeast universities in a recent post.

The worst item of clothing you own is a pair of jorts. Look in your closet. You could even be wearing them now! If the dropping temperature isn’t enough to convince you to take them off, your columnist, Miranda Wesley, is here to dispel any lingering illusions you may have.

Denim is fundamentally the wrong material for shorts; if you must have a pair of shorts that is highly functional, durable, and wide legged, then wear cargo shorts. Don’t hide the fact that you want to dress like an eight year old. Own it! After all, what were the bag charms and Labubus for anyway? 

However, the best shorts do not prioritize function over everything. In keeping with that, the ideal pair is khaki, or possibly linen. When you choose a pair of shorts, you are looking for something summer-y, not too hot, the right amount casual, and just elevated enough that it doesn’t look like you’re going to run a marathon. Denim does not accomplish any of these. More specifically, denim was not built for shorts. It isn’t breathable, isn’t pliable, and most of all isn’t elegant. In case you need TikTok language to understand what I mean, it is definitely not chic.

Shorts came to popularity across the U.S. in the 1930s as a more comfortable, functional alternative to dress pants during sporting activity. Jorts, on the other hand, came from a bastardization of jeans, possibly dreamt up by the Y2K indie sleaze movement as a way to look as disheveled as possible. The worst part of it all is acting like you made the cut-offs yourself, which nobody has ever done.

There is a small exception for booty shorts. But you must be willing to show off your ass. 

Xx, Miranda Wesley