Potty Training: Ranking the Shiniest and Smelliest of University Bathrooms

Over the past four years, I have spent some time thinking about the finest restrooms on campus. While few have asked my opinion concerning University bathrooms, there has been a notable lack of coverage on this topic within The Argus.

I don’t claim to have been everywhere on campus; I’ve hardly been in certain buildings, such as Judd Hall, North College, and Shanklin, hindering my ability to effectively judge their restrooms. I also will not rank any bathrooms in residences, dormitories, and departmental offices. 

Finally, because I am a man, in non-single-use cases I will be ranking the men’s restrooms in each listed building. Hopefully someone else can fill the gaps in scholarship left in this article in the near future. Meanwhile, I will continue to lobby the administration to install Toto Washlets. 

1. Frank Center for Public Affairs (PAC) single-use 

The porcelain standard of University restrooms. They’re new, private, plentiful, and relatively spotless. PAC seems to be pretty well taken care of, and so a mess rarely stays uncleaned for a while. And if someone did pee over the seat, or the room smells like, well, a public restroom, there’s plenty of other options on each floor. Even the locks have a satisfying heft to them, perhaps symbolizing the security that each room provides. 

2. Jeanine Basinger Center for Film Studies (CFS) single-use

Each individual CFS bathroom is on par with PAC; it’s clean, private, located in a newer building, and even comes equipped with showers. Unfortunately for the CFS, it’s on the periphery of campus, and there are only a few single-use restrooms in the building (although demand is, of course, lower), which knocks it down a peg from PAC. 

3. Fisk Hall second floor single-use 

It’s not exactly a secret, but it’s not as much a topic of conversation as other campus bathrooms. It’s got a decent toilet—not as well-cleaned as the PAC havens—and has a pretty large mirror, but what separates it from the rest of the pack is the drop-dead gorgeous view. One might want to do their business in the privacy of drawn blinds, but High Street has never looked better than through this restroom’s ultra-widescreen plate glass during a 2:50 p.m. class in late autumn. This is probably the largest single public bathroom on campus, and it has a chair in case you want to bring a friend.

4. Russell House single-use

Like CFS, its main issue is its location and limited selection, but what a selection it is. The three bathrooms nestled around the second-floor staircase have tiled flooring and a relaxing view of the yard, with the day’s sunshine coming through. For a single-use restroom, they aren’t particularly spacious, but one does get a rare feeling of dignity—perhaps appreciation—sitting on old Russell’s porcelain throne. 

5. Allbritton Center for the Study of Public Life single-use

Like the previous two, Allbritton has less traffic than the busiest buildings, but unlike those two, it is in a prime location. Each bathroom is above average, solid and well kept but without the luster of a PAC or a CFS toilet. The biggest problem, probably irrational, is the lock: I know they work, but they’re so light that they’re difficult to trust, especially compared with the PAC locks, which leave no doubt whatsoever.

6. Fisk first floor single-use

One of the most used bathrooms on campus, Fisk first floor always smells a little. Despite this, it’s generally clean and there are two of them across from each other, which takes pressure off doing business very quickly. The one problem: like Allbritton, the locks are suspicious.

7. Center for the Arts (CFA) second floor men’s room

Since it’s one stall and one urinal, it is close to single use anyway. One of the most uncomfortable moments of any given day is plopping down on a freezing toilet seat during winter. At CFA second floor, fear not: one can adjust the dial on the heater across from the stall at will, meaning the room can become toasty warm when it’s cold out. While a frighteningly loud whirring akin to machinery will start up and the room will start smelling dusty, it’s probably safe. It hasn’t killed me yet.

8. PAC men’s restroom

The PAC single-use legend is well-known, meaning that lines will often form on the first floor when classes end. But precisely because people veer right instead of continuing to go forward, the men’s restroom is usually pretty empty, and because it’s in PAC, the place is new. There are three stalls, and the biggest one is boosted by the large frosted window facing the end of College Walk. 

9. Downey House men’s restroom

Perhaps because it’s in a former private residence like Russell, I have found Downey restrooms to be well-kept and surprisingly tranquil. The biggest problem is that one needs a blueprint of the house and directions from four different professors to locate the bathroom. 

10. Van Vleck Observatory single-use

I haven’t been here since my first-year introductory astronomy class, but I remember it being like a bathroom one might find in a house. I also remember that because there was only one bathroom in the area, lines would form often, which lowers this single-use below some men’s rooms. 

11. Memorial Chapel (basement) men’s restroom

When there’s an event it gets pretty busy, but generally it’s not a bad place to be. While it feels like a morgue as one goes down and through the big metal doors, the bathroom is mostly clean and there’s plenty of paper towels. One small problem is that Wi-Fi doesn’t reach the largest and furthest stall, potentially causing boredom for the person who has business to take care of. However, the best water fountain on campus is right outside the bathrooms.

12. Beckham Hall (second floor) men’s restroom

What one would expect from Beckham. It’s kept in good shape but not a fantastic place to begin with. 

13. Science Library (Sci-Li) men’s restrooms

Despite many flaws, surprisingly alright. While nobody really asked for urinals to be in a stall in the SciLi first-floor men’s room, the scratch of the hinge mechanism on the vestibular door is charming, kind of like a door bell. The second-floor Sci-Li bathrooms also get the job done. Overall, unquestionably a cut above anything in Olin. 

14. Crowell Concert Hall men’s restroom

There are some weird problems with this bathroom. First, the only urinal comes up to around my knees. It’s not ideal, but I suppose gravity will do the work. Secondly, there’s no Wi-Fi in the large stall. Finally, the door always opens automatically whether one wants it to or not, which is awkward when there’s a performance going on nearby and the door is making that groaning sound, shaming whoever is walking in. However, it does have good mirrors and the room itself is somewhat spacious, while the toilets themselves are pretty normal. All in all, it’ll do the job, but if possible, it might be worth going to the Abraham Adzenyah Rehearsal Hall basement bathroom. 

15. Center for the Arts Theater men’s restroom

Similar in environment to another CFA building, there aren’t any major problems with this bathroom. The biggest bone to pick is that it’s somewhat cramped.

16. Exley men’s restrooms

Not a terrible place to do your business, but they are a little dingy. However, there are plenty on each floor and they are mostly clean and stocked with toilet paper. 

17. Freeman Athletic Center men’s restrooms

While there are a lot of bathrooms at Freeman, I will lump them all together. The men’s room outside the gym is decent, but for some reason it’s a black hole for Wi-Fi. One of the worst men’s rooms on campus is the one with the slanted roof across from the hockey rink, but it’s cancelled out by the excellent bathroom near the window overlooking the swimming pool. 

18. Boger Hall men’s restroom

I’ve only used the ground-floor men’s room in Boger before, and it’s definitely subpar relative to the building, which is among the newer ones on campus. The locks are faulty, and I have distinct memories of it smelling pretty bad in there multiple times. The sink pressure is also not very strong. I would choose Boger over its neighbor, Usdan, but that’s a very low bar. 

19. Hall-Atwater men’s restrooms

Hall-Atwater’s bathrooms reflect its parent building; drab, old places that don’t inspire anything. While showers certainly give restrooms character, they can’t save the overall atmosphere of Hall-Atwater. A saving grace is that whenever I’ve used it, there’s been privacy. 

20. Fisk basement men’s restroom

I don’t know why, but every time I’ve used this bathroom there’s been pee on the seat. Otherwise, it’s a nondescript two-stall number, not enough to make me want to climb the stairs to the single-use, but not a relaxing place, either. 

21. Olin men’s restrooms 

I only endure Olin men’s rooms because I have no other choice, which is certainly a shame because I otherwise greatly enjoy the library. First, one has to go up or down if located on the more popular first or second floors. The ground floor Olin men’s room has perhaps the single most fundamental issue of any University bathroom: The faucet is too close to the basin, making it impossible to wash one’s hands without smacking the sink. The basin itself is well-proportioned, as if taunting how much room one theoretically could use to wash their hands with a normal faucet. Aside from that, the toilets are unremarkable and you could drive a car through the gaps in the stall walls. Going up to the third-floor men’s room, an odd toilet-urinal-toilet orientation makes the place off putting. Incidentally, the sole single-use bathroom in the building is nothing special, either. 

22. Usdan men’s restrooms

Usdan bathrooms are, by all metrics, the armpit of campus. Firstly, there aren’t enough toilets to begin with, meaning at busy hours one will either have to wait, or have a neighbor. The bathrooms are usually in relatively bad condition, due to the high traffic and, in my opinion, careless non-student guests. The single-use on the first floor is always in use and unremarkable. Usdan bathrooms have the unique problem of not having paper towels, instead providing air dryers. Aside from dryers being a bacterial mess, it makes no sense that Usdan has no towels; while I understand it decreases custodial workload, why only Usdan? 

Thank you for reading. 

Spencer Landers can be reached at sklanders@wesleyan.edu.