Dazed and confused after a beer-filled weeklong spring break trip to Cancun, Mexico, Mason Whitfield ’07, a Kentucky Wesleyan College student, mistakenly arrived in Middletown on Sunday night.
According to Public Safety, Whitfield was discovered wandering on Andrus Field. He was wearing salmon colored J. Crew shorts and a mint colored Ralph Lauren polo shirt.
“He was quite disheveled and seemed very disoriented,” said Officer Steve Stevens. “He could not tell us what his name was.”
Unsure of what action to take, Public Safety escorted Whitfield to the DKE fraternity house.
“He was a beefy, drunken kid. Where else do they come from?” Stevens said.
Upon being dropped off at the frathouse, Whitfield was welcomed by DKE brothers with open arms.
“Dude, he just seemed like one of us. Like a brother. Like, you know what I mean?” said Brian “B-Man” Yardsley ’08, a DKE brother.
Whitfield reportedly continued to party through the night with his new-found “brothers.” According to partygoers, Whitfield made a crucial play in the night’s most important Beirut game.
“Man, he was so shitfaced!” said DKE president Tyler “Hansie” Hanson ’07. “He was like 50 deep. He totally dominated that ‘ruit game, dude.”
Whitfield woke up on Monday morning in a pool of his own vomit, with a penis drawn on his face in Sharpie.
“He stumbled downstairs and screamed ‘Go, Kentucky Wes!’ And we were like, what the hell, dude?” Hanson said.
After talking to Whitfield, DKE brothers discovered that Whitfield was not a Wesleyan University student, and certainly did not belong to DKE. He was, in fact, a Sigma Chi.
In the airport in Mexico, Whitfield believes he became separated from his frat brothers. When airport security asked him where he was going, the only word he could mumble was “Wesleyan.”
“This young man was severely intoxicated,” reported Airport Security Director Maria Sanchez. “He said, ‘Wesleyan,’ and passed out. This kind of thing had happened before, so we put him on a plane to Hartford, Connecticut, thinking that was his final destination. Apparently, we were mistaken.”
Whitfield was still not sober by the time his four-hour plane ride landed him in Hartford. He managed to scream “Wesleyan” loud enough to grab a taxi driver’s attention.
“All I remember is that I thought it was too cold for Kentucky, but I thought that was just, like, what’s it called? Alcohol poisoning or something?” Whitfield said.
On Monday morning, before he left campus, Whitfield had the opportunity to explore campus.
“I’ve never seen so many homosexuals,” he commented. “And is that really your football stadium? Ours has seating for 40,000 fans plus an area for the cheerleaders.”
Whitfield is looking forward to returning to Kentucky Wesleyan this afternoon.
“I really missed good ol’ Kentucky whiskey and dip,” he said. “I sure am lookin’ forward to going back to the best state below the Mason-Dixon line! Wait, Connecticut is above the Mason-Dixon line, right?”
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