A new study published by Maya Smith ’07 and Biology Professor Mark Stein reveals the startling consequences of fashion choices on campus, especially among the hipster crowd.
The study, entitled “A Postmodern, Neo-Structuralist, Bio-Ethical Approach to the Crisis of the Penis in the Context of Metaphysical Hipster Culture,” examines the correlation between tightness of pants and sperm counts. According to Smith and Stein, tight jeans worn for more than eight hours a day over a period of four years or more decrease the number of sperm by thirty percent.
Smith studied various University students from different social groups.
“We found that athletes tend to prefer sweatpants, which provides plenty of room and air circulation for their nether regions,” Smith said.
The study found that sweatpants are a good counterbalance for the restriction of jock straps. The combination of jock straps and sweatpants provides a healthy and balanced living environment for sperm.
Skinny jeans, however, create a hostile and dangerous atmosphere for sperm.
“I would strongly advise all biological males on campus to refrain from donning jeans that are so constrictive,” Stein said. “Transgender women who identify as males, however, may carry on without ill effect.”
The thorough study addressed issues of pant material and underwear choice.
Smith noted that some particularly artsy types preferred tight spandex leggings as opposed to skinny jeans. She felt this was an integral issue to incorporate into her research.
“I refused to ignore the legging-wearing minority in my study,” she said. “It would be irresponsible for me as a scientist and as a human being to deny their existence.”
After comparing sperm counts and vitality from both leggings- and jeans-wearing groups, Smith and Stein concluded that leggings, although often tighter (and more revealing!) than jeans, are more breathable.
“Air is the life force of the sperm,” Stein said.
In discussing air circulation, the issue of underwear was also examined. Smith and Stein researched the effects of boxers, boxer briefs, tighty-whiteys and thongs.
Because the skinny jeans create a lack of space in the crotch area, the less bunchy the underwear, the better. For this reason, Smith and Stein recommend tighty-whiteys or thongs, regardless of how stupid you might look in them.
Better yet, say the researchers, wear nothing at all.
“Men, you need to know: if you are going to put yourself at risk by wearing skinny jeans, you must, I repeat must, go commando. It’s the only way to protect the family jewels,” Smith said.
Eclectic members did not react well when informed of the results of the study.
“Are you saying my little guys can’t swim?” exclaimed Samuel Green ’09, clad in skintight black denim.
Other Eclectic members expressed similar frustration.
“I just can’t go back to wearing baggy jeans. I just can’t.”
Many hipsters refused to accept the credibility of the study, citing personal anecdotes as evidence.
“I’ve never noticed a problem with my fertility,” said Andrew Philips ’10. “In fact, I knocked up a girl last week!”
The study also included a brief section on penis-related problems other than fertility.
“When wearing skinny pants, the natural elongation of an erection is smothered and suffocated,” Smith and Stein wrote.
Though the paper will be published in scientific journals, Smith hopes that her study will reach students from the Wesleyan community, as she fears for their fertility.
“We are effectively killing the next generation of hipster babies,” she said. “I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing or not.”
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