If you cut out this WesCeleb and show it to John Mahone ’08, he’ll go on a date with you. No joke! It’s good for one date with John: the Punchline star, ex-film major, taint-poker, and future businessman/director (of America?). Get him while he’s hot.
Janie: Tell us about Punchline.
John: We’re trying to travel off campus and see if we can perform at other schools. We basically have to write new material for every show, so we have hours of material by now.
Janie: What’s your policy on repeating material?
John: I don’t like to do it. I did it once for Freshman Orientation.
Janie: Did you always see yourself as a stand up comedian?
John: I wanted to be a stand up comedian when I was a little kid. And then I wanted to be a businessman or an economist when I was 11. But I eventually realized that I don’t care about other people’s money. I decided to be funny when I was four years old. I was watching “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” and there’s this line when the detective is interviewing Roger’s wife. She’s ridiculously hot for being married to Roger Rabbit. And he asks what she sees in him, and she says, “He makes me laugh.” I was four, and I realized that I had nothing else going for me at the age of four, so I had to be funny.
Janie: So what do you think of hot people doing comedy? Hot ladies?
John: Laura Kightlinger is pretty funny and she’s a pretty hot lady. Sarah Silverman’s pretty funny.
Janie: So it doesn’t have to come out of needing some evolutionarily viable trait?
John: I don’t think so. Girls always say they look for a sense of humor, so guys cultivate that. Very few guys say they look for a sense of humor in a girl, but I think it really is a good thing when a girl has a sense of humor.
Justin: How would you characterize your humor?
John: I have no idea. Random thoughts that come to me. I don’t write it down. Most people in Punchline write down their whole thing and memorize it. I write down one word like “hot plate,” and I have an idea but I make it up as I go along.
Janie: Do you ever make stuff up that you put in your routine?
John: No. All the stories I tell are true unless they’re blatantly false.
Janie: Do you ever talk about people at Wesleyan?
John: The taint poke was a true story. I poked my friend in the taint when he was falling asleep, and he woke right up. But there was a discrepancy between whether it was really a taint or if there was some scrotum involved.
Justin: Was he wearing clothing?
John: Yes. It’d be funnier if he weren’t. And much more homoerotic.
Justin: If I could tell you what you’d be doing in five years, would you want to know?
John: Yeah.
Justin: What do you think you’ll be doing?
John: In five years? I have no idea.
Janie: What will Justin be doing, if you know?
Justin: You’re gonna be a space cowboy.
John: Like the movie?
Janie and Justin: Or the ‘N Sync song.
John: I don’t know it.
Janie: Are you playing coy? Or do you really not know it?
John: My mom was a Backstreet Boys fan. There was not a lot of ‘N Sync in my house. My mom loved “I Want It That Way,” and every time it came on, she’d blast it. She’d be like “Oh my God, that’s my song!” and I’d go through it on the radio really fast, but she’d still hear it and make me go back to it.
Janie: Where are you from?
John: Massachusetts. In high school, when my friends and I got driving privileges, we would crank RadioDisney and fly down at 40 miles an hour. 1260AM in Massachusetts.
Justin: What do you want to do after Wesleyan?
John: I want to be a filmmaker. I’m working on a lot of thesis films now. I’m doing production on one and in another.
Justin: I’ve heard that working on those films is such a huge time commitment.
John: Yeah. This Saturday was 7-5. And Sunday we worked from 8-4. Being on a set all day can be painful, especially when the night before you party with friends and only sleep for two hours.
Janie: What part of film production would you want to go into?
John: I actually want to direct, which is very stupid thing to say, because everyone wants to be a director.
Justin: Well, you also wanted to be a businessman.
John: I want to be a director, businessman, and veterinarian.
Justin: You know what you could do? You could market movies that teach people how to cure their pet’s illnesses. Put all your passions together.
John: Oh, I don’t actually want to be a veterinarian. I just feel like that’s what everyone says when they’re a little kid.
Justin: Okay, so just a businessman/director.
John: In high school I took economics, and the teacher looked like Chris Kattan. He had absolutely no authority over us. We actually spent the entire year trying to make him say, “Do you guys want some cookies?” Finally we did it, because he said “Okay, We’re going to start a company. What’s the company’s name?” And someone called out “You guys want some cookies.” He repeated it, and the entire class burst out laughing. He had no idea why.
Justin: I should have gotten more questions from The Book of Questions.
John: What’s The Book of Questions?
Janie: It’s this book, and it’ll ask you “When was your first sexual experience? Do you feel bad about it? You should.”
John: I do feel bad about it.
Janie: Really?
John: It’s not a good thing. Crying…But now it’s hilarious. I laugh at it now. It was a really funny experience. It was funny at the time, but I wasn’t allowed to laugh. I laugh openly now.
Justin: And since then?
John: Stand-up comedy isn’t that good for relationships.
Janie: I’d think it’d be good.
John: No. Girls come up to you, and they say “You were funny,” I say “Thank you,” and they leave.
Janie: They’re probably intimidated.
John: I am a huge star. I’m intimidating.
Justin: You’re a WesCeleb.
John: I’m gonna get so much action from this.
Justin: People are going to cut it out and bring it up to you and ask, “Sex, please?”
Janie: We’ll put a sex coupon in the Argus.
John: How about I’ll go on a date with anyone who brings me a coupon. “One Free Date with John Mahone.” Anything they want to do. I’m not paying though.
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