“Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are. ”
–Brillat-Savarin
Every episode of the cuisine death-battle show Iron Chef begins with this incredibly pompous quotation. We began our version of Iron Chef with a surly hello from the Mocon cashier. We did not have a preposterous theme ingredient (sea bream, anyone?), nor did we have a kitchen stadium full of pliant sous-chefs and adoring fans, but we came with a dream and a question: Whose cuisine will reign supreme?
And now, the contestants:
Iron chef Tenney hails from New York City but strives to incorporate her Anglo-Swiss-Russian-Jewish-Iowan heritage into all her culinary endeavors. She enjoys grilled octopus salads, dates thinly sliced and drenched in honey, and tomatoes above all other vegetables.
Challenger Vollmer has been trained in the fine art of simple food preparation, harkening back to her days as a child on the coast of Northern California. Her taste gravitates towards liquids and soft foods, things like Arnold Palmers, chocolate milk, and applesauce.
Emily Umhoefer served as the sole judge, graciously assuming all the identities of the Iron Chef judges: surly restaurant critic, airhead actress, and random square.
The two chefs were faced with a daunting challenge: use the overwhelming bounty of natural, nutritious ingredients found at McConaughy Hall to create an innovative twist on the dishes available.
Tenney prepared two dishes: an open faced roast beef sandwich on olive bread served over a bed of grain salad with balsamic-dressed greens and roasted carrots with dried cranberries, garnished with carrot-ginger puree and A-1 steak sauce; and a dessert salad of seven layer cake, a late summer peach, and Lucky Charms cereal. She said her meal was constructed to express the “bounty of the harvest” in a “magical land where A-1 and Lucky Charms grow on trees.”
Laura prepared a starter and main course: carrot-ginger puree with couscous and slivered almonds; and a roast beef sandwich served on warmed rosemary foccacia, dressed with field greens and Dijon mustard. Vollmer had class at 7 p.m.
Umhoefer sampled each of the competitor’s dishes, her facial expression moving between consternation and quiet contemplation. Of Laura’s soup, she noted that the couscous and almonds formed a “yummy-explosion!” in her mouth. She also admired Tenney’s masterful fusion of her favorite marshmallow cereal with the bold flavors of local fruit, exclaiming that it was “so wrong, but so right” to use Lucky Charms in a serious culinary battle.
After hours of deliberation, Umhoefer delivered the verdict: Tenney victorious, Vollmer total trash. In the end, it was Tenney’s “original and truly bizarre” use of ingredients available that won Umhoefer’s heart. Tenney will forever reign as Iron Chef in hallowed McConaughy Hall.
You might say we really learned something that day at Mocon. We learned sometimes you can find top-notch ingredients (props for the carrot-ginger soup and artisan breads) in unexpected places. We learned Mocon employees give you weird looks when you ask for just a little roast beef, yes, in a pile please. But mainly we learned something about ourselves. When pushed to the very limit, when faced with large crowds of freshmen and a row of gleaming grilled cheese, we pulled through to defy our preconceptions about what we could make from our illustrious all-you-care-to-eat dining hall’s food. But seriously, challenge yourselves – mixing Mocon staples together to create your own culinary masterpiece is much more effective than whining. Even when you write your rant down on one of those little comment cards (but please, some fresh basil and bring back the pine nuts).
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