President Bennet’s assistants cringed when he stormed out of his office Monday afternoon. Midge followed on his heels, crying that the South would rise again.
“He mumbled something about ‘Project Runway,” said Doris Shorthand, an administrative assistant. “Then he crushed his pet bat Patton with his bare hands.”
The next day Bennet awoke in the broom closet, a place he had never noticed before.
“When no one could tell me who put the bag of Doritos on the top shelf, I knew we were onto something big,” said Bennet.
Bennet contacted Roseanne Sillasen, associate director and project manager for physical plant.
“It took a few hours to dispose of all the bat feces but once we did, wow!” said Sillasen.
Inside the closet Sillasen and Bennet found a motley collection of valuables, including the University’s endowment, twenty boxes of chalk, the frozen yogurt machine, a manuscript written by Martin Benjamin ’57, and a comatose Tom Cruise, under whose nose were found traces of a medicine used to treat rabies.
“We really need to stop losing things at this University,” said Director of Communications Justin Harmon.
Amid the predictable fare- Clorox, paint chips, and chocolate-covered oreos from Weshop- the frozen yogurt machine provoked the most excited response among staff and students alike.
“It’s about fuckin’ time,” said Elaine Comona ’09. “Those chipwiches are no good!”
“I’m just here for the Doritos,” Bennet said.
The Administration was markedly less candid in its explanation of the chalk boxes.
A coalition of student groups has used the discovery of the chalk to launch a revived campaign against the chalking ban, implemented during the fall of 2002.
The Administration, however, says that it will not return the chalk, apparently confiscated several years ago.
“Rest assured the chalk will not go to waste,” Harmon said. “Doug likes hopscotch just as much as the next person.”
The endowment, modest indeed, offers few options for use.
“As it turns out, the endowment is too small to dig a moat around lorise.” Harmon said.
As for Mr. Benjamin, his manuscript on the merits of postmodern inquiry will appear as a regular column in The Argus.
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