This week’s campus celebrity is Joe McGuire. We talked about a variety of things—from cereal to serial [killers]. Have you ever thought girls are like Lucky Charms or Corn Pops? Have you been confronted by a serial killer? This guy has done it all. Best of all, he knows how to make fun of himself. And he has some funny WesStories to tell. He is a classic example of how first impressions can be lasting ones.
MB: So what’s up?
JM: I got a new patient today.
MB: What’s the deal with that?
JM: Well, he’s killed more people in the prison system than he has on the outside: 4 to 3. They got him last Tuesday and I had a meeting with him on Thursday, and I’m just talking to him and he’s not so bad, so I’m thinking he’s not so bad, and then the doctor pulls me away from him and the doctor warns me that I might want to stay two arm’s distance away from him because he likes to punch.
MB: How many arms distance away did you stay away from him?
JM: This time, two.
MB: When did you start working with CVH [Connecticut Valley Hospital]?
JM: I worked with different patients my junior year, like people you would usually see in Middletown. Then I’ve been working with these forensic patients in this maximum security prison since August.
MB: Wait, CVH is a prison?
JM: No CVH is the hospital, but there is a maximum security division that’s the prison. I go through metal detecters, get padded down—nobody escapes. You won’t ever see any of these people on the street. Most of the people live their entire lives up there. It’s really sad.
MB: What is the workplace environment like?
JM: I go in through two metal sliding doors. Get yelled out by cops. If you have any type of metal in your pockets they make you take it out, and I always do, so that’s annoying. And then I help run two therapy groups, then I get one-on-one mentoring with a patient of my choice.
MB: What about this infamous nickname you have?
JM: Which nickname are you referring to?
MB: Sober Joe.
JM: What would you like to know?
MB: The origins of the nickname.
JM: Well there’s actually a variety of them. I’ve heard several different stories. One is that I’m never sober. That was pretty funny. Another that I drink all the time, that I never go to class and just hook up with chicks all the time. Those are pretty funny. The actual origin is that I was placed on the well-being hall freshman year, and I drank, so it just became a little catchy to be called Sober Joe. That’s how it all came about—with a bad prefrosh experience.
MB: What was your prefrosh experience?
JM: Well, I’m from Arizona and I roll up with my Oxford shirts and my Polos and I get a host in WestCo. And it was 4/20 and Zonker Harris and everyone I met was high out of their mind. My host’s hallmate had a real bad trip, so my host spend most of the night trying to calm him down. So I’m like, umm, maybe this is not something I want. So that summer I’m in Mexico getting drunk, and the housing papers come to my home, so I told my parents to check off well-being hall. So there you go.
MB: What about the Wellesley story. That seems to be another classic “Sober Joe” story.
JM: So I guess you want to know how I came about applying to Wesleyan. Okay. So I had some issues narrowing my college search. It was about late November and my dad said, ‘Fuck it, just going to apply to the 10 [liberal arts] schools.’ So I go through them—Haverford, Swarthmore, Williams, etc. I see number five, Wellesley and it did not say in parentheses all girls. So I’m like, let me learn more about it. I looked the school up in Princeton Review’s college guide, but every time I tried to spell Wellesley, I kept getting Wesleyan. Apparently there’s an extra L. Best thing is that Wellesley comes to visit my high school in Arizona, and I show up to the auditorium 10 minutes late, and when I open the door all these pony tails turn around and I’m like, CRAP! This is the all-girls school. The worse part is that sent my SAT scores and all those things there too.
MB: What else do you spend your time doing.
JM: Did I ever tell you about my theory about women?
MB: No, tell me.
JM: Well, I am working on this theory that how finding the right girl is like a having one of those variety packs of cereal. You always get excess amount of cornflakes in those variety packs? Cornflakes aren’t bad at all. You can eat them, but they’re pretty generic. They get a little soggy in milk, but whatever. Then you have Frosted Flakes. But the problem with Frosted Flakes is that they are still corn flakes under all that sugar. Then you have lucky charms, which are girls who have little nutritional value but are pretty and “magically delicious.” Apple Jacks are good for a brief period of time. They’re good, fruit, but they don’t have enough good nutritional value. As far as the variety pack goes, I’m a fan of corn pops. They are sweet, delicious, nutritious, and you don’t actually what the hell they are, but you’re still surprised. And its still corn—the heartbeat of America.
MB: You might be on to something.
JM: When you start taking the cereal analogy further, I would have to say Kix are one of the top two cereals because they’re kid-tested and mother-approved. That’s what I’m looking for. But every now and then, you get a taste for Honey Smacks.
MB: Does Wes have Corn Pops?
JM: There are a lot of girls at Wesleyan that have the potential to be Corn Pops. In fact they are plenty that might be. I have the packaging down, but I just haven’t had the chance to see what’s inside.
MB: So let all of us guys out here know what we should do the next time we meet a Corn Pops.
JM: Well remember, some people like Corn Flakes. I’m a fan of Corn Pops though. I have four small tests to determine if a girl is a Corn Pop. I won’t reveal all of them. But one of them is the toy store test. Corn Pops are fun, you have to be fun. I once to a girl to a toy store and she didn’t play with anything in there.
MB: And that was the end of it?
JM: Yeah, if you can’t play at a toy store or sporting good story, you are taking yourself way too seriously and you can’t do that. So the toy store test is pretty big. It comes right after the coffee [interview] date.
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