Hating Valentine’s Day is not an exclusive privilege: everyone is entitled to harbor feelings of resentment against this holiday. Find out how it hurts you, your friends, your mom and everyone else you know by finding the category you fit into below:
The Bitterly Single Individual
You are the first, and most famous, V-Day opponent. As overdone as your viewpoint may be, it is justified. You are already frustrated at your own inability to find love, and now you become excruciatingly aware that you will be alone on Valentine’s Day, which, for reasons you accept because you’re supposed to, is worse than being single on any other day. And you can’t help being a little annoyed when your coupled friends give you unsolicited advice not to feel bad, because V-Day is about spending time with friends and calling your mom and petting your dog, who really loves you. They smile and say, “Oh don’t be a party pooper, Valentine’s Day isn’t just for couples.” But when it’s 2 a.m. and they’re shacked up warmly, satisfying their carnal desires, and you have to crawl back to your cold metal bed with your tail between your legs, who’s going to tell you not to be a party pooper, huh? Who??
The Happily Single Individual
If you are single, and happy about it, you should hate V-Day, if for no other reason then because it makes everyone else act pathetic and annoying. Your sad single friends are whining. Your coupled-off friends are either awkwardly pretending that it isn’t there, nuzzling like chimpanzees, or feebly trying to prove their love for each other (see all other categories). And, most unpleasantly, they are all wondering why you aren’t desperately trying to scrounge up a Valentine yourself. It’s hard enough to explain that you are satisfied being single, not in denial or pathetically incapable of being loved, any other time of the year. On Feb 14, it becomes unbearable.
On the Verge of Coupledom
So you just started dating. You’re still playing awkward, painful games and every phone call is an opportunity for failure. Can you honestly say you’re happy when this mammoth, glittery pink holiday lumbers up and hits you over the head with a champagne bottle? Every move you make becomes amplified, and you, in turn, interpret every action of your newfound lover to completely unnecessary extremes. If the apple of your eye buys you a dozen red roses and takes you to dinner, you feel smothered. If she doesn’t do anything, you feel neglected. If your celebration of the evening is in any way inconsistent with hers, you feel humiliated and uncomfortable. Why suffer at the hands of this tacky, arbitrary Hallmark brainchild? Take heart. Then, take arms.
On the Verge of Breakup
You are one person of a couple and you know it needs to end. If you break up this week, the story will forever end, “and the [bitch/wanker/asshole] did it right before Valentine’s Day, too!” The looming presence of this saccharine holiday turns a normal breakup into a romantic felony, because you, you hideous, unfeeling brute, are forcing your ex to suffer through V-Day alone. If you wait until afterwards, you both have to make it through the motions of the holiday, and there are few things worse in a relationship than faking a romantic dinner for the sake of ceremony. V-Day has one hell of a lot of nerve, disrupting the normal progression of your relationship. If I were you, I would be outraged.
The Healthy, Happy Couple
Well, here you are. According to everyone else, this is your day. You will get flowers for your beloved, or lingerie, or chocolates, and go on a date, and be romantic and it will be perfect. But consider this: would a rose received on Valentine’s Day mean as much as a rose on any other day of the year, when you would least expect it? How seriously can you take professions of love on a day that is, according to marketers, set aside specifically for professions of love? You want to believe Valentine’s Day is about adding meaning to your relationship, but in reality, it’s detracting from the romance of acts that, on any other day, would be more sincere. V-Day makes that rose you’re holding smell bad and it makes the chocolate taste worse. Boycott the holiday and celebrate it when you want to—it will make the rituals that much sweeter.
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