FRIDAY, MARCH 24
Medical Assist – High Street
Public Safety and Davison Health Center responded to the report of a student with a headache. She was diagnosed with Herpes and Alzheimer’s and sent home with Tylenol.
Arson – CFA
The Muslims blew up the theater at the premiere of “Jesus was crucified on Brokeback Mountain,” a film that the Jews are too stingy to see.
Suspicious Circumstances – Warren Street
Public Safety responded to the report of six African American males in their teens approximately six feet tall and wearing dark clothes.
Anal Rape – Eclectic
A student reported being anally raped by an ostrich.
SATURDAY, MARCH 25
Medical Assist – Butterfields
Public Safety and ResLife responded to a report of the plague. It was determined to be caused by caged pets.
Arson – High Street
Public Safety, Middletown Fire Department, and ResLife responded to the report of a burning building. It was determined to be caused by caged pets.
Basement Entry – Lawn Avenue
Public Safety and Physical Plant responded to the report of someone in a student basement. It was determined to be a non-University person, so he was let go without being fined.
Basement Entry – Home Ave.
Public Safety and Physical Plant responded to the report of someone in a student basement. It was determined to be a resident of the house, so he was fined $500.
SUNDAY, MARCH 26
Public Urination – LoRise
A student was found urinating on a building. It was determined that he lasted 75 seconds.
Suspicious Circumstances – Foss Hill
Public Safety responded to the report of no naked people. It was determined that many students have lost their hippieness.
Suspicious Circumcision – Science Center
Public Safety responded to the report of a eunuch. It was determined that he lost his penis.
Medical Assist – College Row
Maria Cruz-Saco passed out. Public Safety determined she was trying to see how long she could hold her breath.
MONDAY, MARCH 27
Cock Block – William Street
Public Safety prevented a rooster from crossing the road.
Talking Vagina – High Street
Public Safety and Midge Bennet responded to the report of Vagina Dialogues.
Political Incorrectness – High Street
Public Safety responded to the report of Oriental chicken. The student eating it was shot.
Suspicious Circumstances – Cross Street
Public Safety responded to the report of students running around frantically, lighting themselves on fire, and speaking in tongues. It was determined to be March Madness.
TUESDAY, MARCH 28
Gun Shots – Broad Street
SJB referral.
Suspicious Person – Eclectic
Maryann Wiggin was cited. She left suddenly, and most people didn’t know why.
Bias-Related Graffiti – Church Street
Cruz-Saco found graffiti that read, “Black people used to be slaves.” She sent out an e-mail about it.
Lynch Mob – Judd Hall
A lynch mob was cited lynching people. Cruz-Saco did not send out an e-mail about it.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29
Suspicious Circumstances – Church Street
Public Safety responded to the report of Wednesday Night Football. Everyone was really confused.
Alcohol Violation – Pine Street
OTPHJ Referral.
Fire Alarm – Brainard Avenue
Cooking.
Fire Alarm – Vine Street
Death.
THURSDAY, MARCH 30
Intoxicated Students – Broad Street
Public Safety responded to the report of several drunken students. It was determined to be Argus production night.
Bundles Of Sticks – Fountain Avenue
Public Safety responded to the report of a group of students throwing faggots into a fire.
Medical Assist – Science Center
A student passed out because he found out that Albert Einstein believed in God.
Medical Assist – Mocon
A student passed out because she ate the food.
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