Sporting a red string bracelet and a Wesleyan Hockey shirt, President Doug Bennet settled into the mats at Freeman. Ignoring the curious stares of students, he extended his right leg and reached. After months of stretching, Bennet is now able to touch his toes.
Having mastered the art of stretching, Bennet has new challenges in mind. The president, now cancer-free for several months, has become an avid Kabbalist and plans to convert the Delta Kappa Epsilon (DKE) house into the Greater Middletown Kabbalah Center, according to a campus-wide email sent yesterday by Midge.
“He needs a safe space where he can stand on his head and hum ‘Material Girl,’ to his heart’s content,” Midge wrote in the email.
Midge’s announcement comes two weeks after senior Kabbalah advisors were found touring the DKE house. The sighting immediately aroused suspicion among members of the fraternity.
“Kabbalah is gay and so am I,” said Maximillen Goy-Kopf ’07. “Shit. I meant Religion.”
Student reactions to the announcement range from curious to outrage.
“As long as you can get Kabbalah with fries and that hummus stuff, it should be pretty cool,” said Biff Bonobo ’09.
“The University is blatantly participating in a greater effort to appropriate the traditions of the Kutcherites,” said Elle O. L. Ashton ’08, of the indigenous tribe, known for their thin red bracelets.
As in Hollywood, Kabbalah is quickly catching on among North College administrators. Even Vice President and Secretary of the University Peter Patton, a former Scientologist, can be found wearing a red bracelet.
“Bennet told him if he didn’t wear the bracelet he would un-invite him to his Harry Potter-themed birthday party,” said one administrator under conditions of anonymity.
Kabbalah, a religion steeped in Jewish mysticism, emphasizes finding inner peace in a world full of negative energy. Popularized by celebrities such as Madonna and Britney Spears, Kabbalah is particularly alluring for people in positions entailing enormous responsibility.
“Douggie has been a huge fan of Madonna and Britney Spears since they made out a few years ago,” Midge said. “So it’s only natural that he would download videos of them to our computer and join their religion.”
Bennet has been studying Kabbalah since last December, when several hundred students threw balls of duct tape in his face and later barricaded him in his office for forty-five minutes. It wasn’t until a student called him a “jizz biscuit” on Wesleyan’s Livejournal Anonymous Confessions Board, however, that Bennet knew Kabbalah was more than just a passing fad for him.
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