Because having friends to visit is better than having friends at Wesleyan, I went to New York last weekend and was therefore able to provide the detectives of Middletown S.V.U with a sound alibi as they investigate the aftermath of the Sex Party. But as Dick Wolf’s deranged cousin searches to solve crimes that either never occurred or were declared consensual, the Wesleyan student body is spent, sleeping, or wanting more after a wild night of s-e-x.
As all in attendance of the fiesta had more fun than each Eclectic member did on his/her/hir first time visiting an American Apparel retailer, the Wesleyan community should consider adding more sexual scenes to its daily, weekly, or (depending on your mojo) monthly schedule. I’m not saying that “sex” should occur en masse (as the Sex Party is special because it only occurs once per year), but on a more (inter)personal level.
I don’t think that you should slut it up like you go to a state school, but if it lasts more than forty seconds and happens on a set of zebra sheets, sex can be a fun time. And in addition, with summer coming to an end and nights grow colder and longer, why pile on a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and those glove-like socks with the individual toes before going to sleep, when you could just get naked and horizontal with a new friend or classmate?
Regardless of your sexual orientation, a little dose of mutual masturbation or that little thing called intercourse can make a night or afternoon a little less lonely. So guys fuck guys, girls fuck girls, guys fuck girls (and vice versa), and ze’s fuck ze’s. In the event that you are a ze and happen to have a vagina, do it like the other lesbians, and get your scissor on.
Some people with strict senses of morality might be disgusted by my proposal because it conflicts with the shame-based society in which we all live…or just because their parents wouldn’t approve of such behavior. As I’ve already cursed in this article, I’m going to have to call “Bullshit!” on those readers. Your parents don’t approve of your being a music major and insisting on working at a record store after graduating, but you’ll probably do it anyway. Although I never did, some of my few friends went to sleep-away camp and described it as a bastion of hedonism, primarily because of its absence of parents and the attributed shameful authority. So if you currently eat pizza for breakfast and ice cream for dinner, swim immediately after eating, and experiment with substances primarily on account of your parents not being around to say “tsk, tsk, tsk,” why not experiment with people, too?
The arrival of the class of ’11 (many of whom are at least 7’s, leading me to refer to them as “Slurpees” or “7/11’s”) has forced me to enter some data into my mindbank (especially because my internet hasn’t worked all week). I’ve been on campus for three years and a handful of weeks and never before have my sexual standards been higher, and never have I seen more attractive people between High and Vine Streets. Perhaps it was the departure of the class of 2007, or maybe people had productive summers and grew into themselves, bettering both their minds and, more noticeably, their bodies. Don’t be a loser and smoke, drink, or study all night, find a fellow (hardbodied) Cardinal and build a nest; if you’re into role playing, slide off your underoos and play “Where Did my Penis go?” “Name That Warm, Wet Place,” or, my favorite, “Fleshy Thermometer.”
If you burn eight calories each time you laugh, imagine what getting on top will do to your waistline. And, considering the frequency with which students of all classes have been visiting the “Freshman 15” station (burgers, fries, hot dogs … grease) at Usdan, why not try to burn an extra few calories the fun way?
Jared Fogel (the spokesman for Subway Restaurants) swears that he lost an exorbitant amount of weight by eating exclusively at Subway restaurants. Of course a change in his physical appearance was expected after he was weaned off of half-and-halfs, but Fogel’s fat vanished on account of his fame and the consequent sexual attention the calorie-cutting clam-crusher received. The same can be seen with over-the-hill actress Kirstie Alley as she returned to the limelight as the almost obese spokeswoman for Jenny Craig, and is now thin and back to getting creepy looks across the bar from married men.
And while I’m referring to pop-culture and O.J. Simpson is back in the news, why not make a bold simile by saying that sex is about as cool as getting away with a double murder? Remember that you’re in college and that these are supposed to be the BEST four years of your life, not the most regretful. Aside from doing reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic, the most strenuous thing on your plate is to find someone from whom to buy drugs, so subscribe to words of wisdom and go for gold: Get Some!
If you’re a concerned parent, staying in touch with your child who hasn’t called you since he/she/ze moved to Middletown, have no fear, as I would never tell my faithful readers to go out, get drunk, roll the dice, and get infected. I encourage everyone to practice safe sex, even though everyone knows that only stupid people, bush folk, and the unlucky are susceptible to STDs.
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