It’s that time of year again when we students of Wesleyan descend on Liddletown, Connecticut for learning, laughter, lasciviousness, and laxity.
If you were in New York for the summer and were put down by the superficial tagline of “Models and Bottles” which extends from Chelsea to China (or Bangkok to Montauk if you’re traveling eastward or just listening to Nelly Furtado), you need not worry because you’re back in Middletown where up is down, hot is cold, and the poor and ugly are rich and famous.
While the social scene may have remained the same, the summer brought more aesthetic changes to University dining facilities than TrimSpa and time did to Anna Nicole Smith.
WesWings had a tummy tuck as it’s smaller, nicer, and a lot easier on the eyes. Regardless of the cosmetic action, WesWings is still serving up the healthy options that some love, the greasy grub which many guiltlessly toss down their gullets, and the eight-ounce servings of chilled cookie dough which sell well and do wonders to an already thunderous pair of thighs.
Weshop had a boob-job as it seems larger than before, and is considerably more pleasant to look at and be around.
And lastly, the beloved spaceship/eatery that was McConaughy Hall received a vaginoplasty to form MoCon-3000, or as tour guides refer to it, the Usdan University Center. “Three-thou” has the same face (thanks to Bon Appétit’s not old-yellering the dining staff), but it feels like new as it’s cleaner, tastier, and way more fun to be inside.
Like every other successfully performed vaginoplasty, however, MoCon-3000 is tighter than the MoCon of old. Although a smaller hatchet-wound is a desirable feature, one wouldn’t want a new dining facility to be smaller than the building it’s replacing. Why call our campus’s central dining facility “The Marketplace” when it’s just a smaller smaller MoCon MoCon?
“Three-thou” serves better food and is therefore a decent way to spend fake money, but the University should request some sort of rebate from the architects who designed the small monstrosity. Lines extend down the staircase and through the main floor during dinner hours thanks to the poorly placed pay station; and once inside, the cups are stacked past the drinking fountains, requiring me and my down-on-his-luck pal to walk a few extra steps before making a suicide (of soft drinks, that is).
In addition to the serving area being more crammed than a restroom stall at a popular gay nightclub, the two dining spaces will soon be more segregated than Alabama during Jim Crow…separating those who participate in fantasy sports from those who wear tight and tattered jean shorts.
But while waiting for food and standing on lines longer than those in San Francisco immediately after the DVD release of “Boys Gone Wild,” students of every class, creed, culture, and counter-culture are together, united in hunger as they wait 45 minutes for a hummus and pussy sandwich…which is what the University was trying to do, I guess.
MoCon had history and character. MoCon-3000 feels like a nice hospital (and makes me feel guilty about never visiting my grandmother while she was undergoing procedures to repair her dangling uterus). But you don’t want to read about my problems; you just want to know what’s going on in Middletown at the moment.
So while the University upgraded the facilities (or tried to, at least), the powers that be continued this string of cosmetic procedures by giving the student body a facelift, with the addition of so many fresh, young, and pretty faces who will surely spare my firstborn daughter (assuming I’m not sterile) some painful childhood moments.
If the administration tried to improve the campus, how can we, the $52,000-tuition-paying student body, do our part to make Wesleyan a better place? Aside from dressing better (as I addressed last year), we should think about what makes our school great. Sure the faculty and reputation of the University are worth part of the hefty sum, but the real thing that makes Wesleyan a semi-fun four years are its pockets of extraterritoriality: Foss Hill, Eclectic, and my living room have fewer restrictions than a cruise ship registered in the Netherlands.
If you’re a freshman and don’t quite understand what I’m saying because you’re overtired as a result of nobody telling you not to drink that liter of cola last night at 2 a.m., think back to your WesFest visit and why you decided to come here.
The spring in Middletown is awesome and perhaps the only time it’s cool to go to Wesleyan. But why? Is it the frequency of mediocre improv comedy shows or the abundance of house parties? NO! It’s the hill.
Not only are all the idiots and sweet brahs donning shorts, t-shirts, and blasé attitudes on that first warm day of the new year, but everyone congregates on the hill to engage in this, that, and in some cases, the other. That rad environment can be recreated as easily as the pedophiles and sex addicts who work at Disneyworld make it the family-friendly theme park it seems to be. I therefore call on YOU to make Wesleyan as fun as it is in the spring by taking advantage of the delightful New England autumn and utilizing the hill not only as a place to sit and laugh with friends, but to annihilate brain cells and make sketchy financial transactions.
Freshmen needn’t worry. Although you got a slap on the wrist for accidentally dropping a “gay-bomb” or having a casual beer in your dorm room, the hill is a safe space where one can eat, drink, be merry, and even reveal his/her sexual (dis)orientation. “But what if this unspoken policy went under a medical procedure just like that other stuff?” someone who still eats his boogers might ask.
If Wesleyan werre to subscribe to and impose on its students our great nation’s puritanical and sexually repressed policies, it would be about as wise as “Hollywood” and the Writers Guild of America imposing mandatory drug tests; it wouldn’t be good for business and would probably receive a reaction similar to that of poor Irish immigrants at the outset Prohibition.
Future clowns, secretaries, waitresses, mendicants, drive-thru window operators, and freelance sandwich artists of the world, please get off of facebook and get on the hill.
If you’re new to my column and are looking for a politicized piece tackling global issues, go pick up a copy of Foreign Policy or watch BBC World because I don’t report the facts, I write the truth.
Leave a Reply