There seems to be no evidence that turkey was served at the first American Thanksgiving, but the diaries of many present include frequent reference to the importance of wild turkeys to the colony food system. Primarily chosen because it was more economical than roast goose, turkey became a signature culinary delight in colonial New England. According to the always credible holidays.net, even Ben Franklin weighed in on behalf of the noble bird, saying, “I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen as the representative of our country: he is a Bird of bad moral character: The Turkey is a much more respectable Bird and withal a true original Native of North America.” To be honest, all of this love for the big bird is probably because female turkeys can, in rare cases, reproduce asexually. It’s true, according to Wikipedia.
And so, though we love turkey, we thought we might suggest a few alternatives for your holiday table.
Turducken ranks high among turkey alternatives, probably because it’s really just turkey taken to the next level taken to the next level. With allegedly Cajun origins, Turducken is just what it sounds like – turkey stuffed with a duck that’s stuffed with a chicken. The poultry composite lends itself to all manner of slow cooking: braising, grilling, roasting, or barbequing. Deep frying, unfortunately, is not recommended. Though the exact location and inventor of turducken remains the subject of much debate, chef Paul Prudhomme (of Meat Magic seasoning fame) and ex-football player turned video game king John Madden are credited with its explosion into mainstream culture. Turduckens are available via mail order from such fine purveyors as Hebert’s (pronounced a-bears) Specialty Meats in Maurice, La. for as little as $59.95 plus shipping (hebertsmeats.com). It might be too late for this year, but it’s never too early to start planning for next year. In the vein of really gross poultry combinations, we would be remiss to omit “bustergophechideckneaealckideverwingailusharkolanine” the largest nested bird roast in recorded history, containing, in descending order, the following seventeen birds: bustard, turkey, goose, pheasant, chicken, duck, guinea fowl, teal, woodcock, partridge, plover, lapwing, quail, thrush, lark, ortolan and passerine. The smallest bird was stuffed with a single olive. Once we’re done figuring out what all those things are, we’ll let you know which ortolan supplier we recommend.
And of course, there’s Tofurky. We’ve never tried it, but it sounds delicious. Just listen to some of the ingredients that give it that “incredible, turkey-like texture and flavor:” water, vital wheat gluten, tofu, garbanzo beans, expeller pressed non genetically engineered canola oil, lemon juice, calcium lactate from beets—anyways, totes scrumps. Top it with some “Giblet” and Mushroom Gravy and you’re golden. According to Turtle Island Food’s (the manufacturers of Tofurky) website, tons of people love Tofurky, enough to send in haikus (“thanksgiving is here / bagged a Tofurky today / every thing is fine”) and pictures of them holding the Tofurkys in random places. Tofurky outside the Forbidden City in Beijing! Tofurky at Uhuru Peak, the high peak of Mt. Kilimanjaro! Tofurky at Sally and Chad’s wedding! Tofurky in Afghanistan! Go to the Tofurky family album, you won’t regret it.
But really, turkey and turduckens and tofurky are all kinda dumb. The point of Thanksgiving is the side dishes and the desserts. Start off your meal with some wild rice cream soup and a mild coronary: Cook a half cup of wild rice. In a huge frying pan, sauté one large, diced onion for about five minutes in three-quarters of a stick of butter, until it’s translucent and soft. Add a cup of flour to the pan, whisking so that it doesn’t clump. Add eight cups of heated chicken or vegetable stock. Add a cup of light cream, two tablespoons of sherry, and salt and pepper. Heat through. Stir in the rice. You’ll thank us later. After that, go crazy with your starches and veggies. The goal of a well-balanced Thanksgiving meal is that everything can be swirled around on the plate and it will taste amazing. The whole is greater than the sum, etc. (Much in the same way, two days after Thanksgiving, you should be able to make a sandwich with a little bit of everything in it. Turducken-butternut squash soufflé-cranberry jelly-sautéed collards with almonds and currants-scalloped sweet potato-herbed shallot stuffing-pearl onion casserole-pecan bourbon pie-cinnamon and sugar roasted pumpkin seeds on focaccia, anyone?) When you’re thinking of sides, go for warm flavors, use strong autumn herbs (thyme and sage, especially) liberally, when in doubt add nuts, and put at least a stick of butter in everything. This is your chance to cook like Paula Deen. Mix savory and sweet like there’s no tomorrow. As for the desserts, keep ’em simple. Some pumpkin pie, some pecan pie, some sweet potato pie. Maybe some bread pudding or a cranberry-nut tart. Don’t go crazy, okay? Your stomach won’t be able to handle too much at this point.
We’re sick of all those jokes about Thanksgiving leftovers, so we’ll preemptively advocate the recipes found on Butterball.com, but just because we want someone to make Turkey Nachos and Turkey Pizza Quesadillas and tell us how gross (or good?) they are.
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