I was asked to leave the family Passover Seder a couple weeks ago. Roughly an hour and a half into the event, my uncle discreetly told me that it might be better for everyone if I just went home. I had not been acting rowdy and I was not being violently territorial with the pot roast like last year. All I had done was tell the truth. Now, truth must always be balanced with tact; for instance, it is never right to say to the host, “Your home smells like cat piss.” Telling the truth is not always a valid excuse. In my case, I criticized my uncle’s decision-making for allowing my five year old cousin, Lauren, to read the English translation of the Four Questions. There is nothing wrong with letting a child sound out words to show her improved reading skills. Lauren’s reading skills, however, smelled like cat piss. I interrupted her butchering and said that “she is a disgrace to Judaism and to literacy.” This is where there was miscommunication. The thirty relatives in attendance were all angry with me for saying “such terrible things to a five year old girl.” I did not say anything to Lauren; I said it to my uncle. It was his poor judgment that led to my cousin’s embarrassing performance and I think an adult should be able to handle accurate and much-needed criticism. My family did not understand this distinction and, like so many of my ancestors, I was asked to leave.
In retrospect, I was a little harsh, but in my defense, I had drunk about five cups of Manischewitz and Vodka (Jewdrivers). The point, though, is that my uncle, like so many other people, doesn’t give a damn about the truth. Hardly anyone ever says what they mean, and when they do, it always has to be qualified with “for the most part” or “in terms of” or “kinda-ish.” People just skirt around issues because they don’t want to be branded racist or sexist or prejudiced. If your beliefs are racist and you keep them to yourself, that is deception. I love it when guys like Rick Santorum or Trent Lott say things that expose their ignorance and hate. Trent Lott told what he believed to be the truth and he lost his job. Maybe it’s best to just get all this out in open. We should know that the Senate Majority Leader was racist; we should know that Jerry Falwell thinks gays and the ACLU were responsible for the 9/11 attacks; we should know that my cousin Lauren can’t read. People need to start telling the truth, saying what they mean, and they really need to stop using “kinda-ish.” It’s just annoying.
We bend and alter our language to appease people; our euphemisms and code words are a deceptive force that sucks the life right out of words. Some people are resisting this, though, and they should be congratulated. For instance, the Navy’s current motto is, “Accelerate Your Life.” Accelerate your life. This motto narrowly beat out “Come Die Faster.” Bravo to the Navy for some honesty. I think more groups should be honest with their mottos. I want to see the Army now change its motto to “Poor people killing poorer people.” Or the NYPD change its motto to “to serve and protect against dangerous minorities.” Or Major League Baseball change its motto to “The best players chemicals can create.” Or PETA change its motto to “We’re out of our minds.” All I’m asking is for a little bit of honesty, a little bit of people saying what they mean.
If I am ever in some horrible accident and wind up seriously injured and in a wheel chair, and you refer to me as “differently abled,” I will run you the fuck over. I am disabled; I am handicapped; I need help; I have no new capabilities, so just reach the box of Krispy Kreme in the cabinet for me and leave me alone. I don’t feel bad for people who are “differently abled,” but I do feel bad for cripples, and when I become a cripple I want people feeling bad for me. I want doctors and scientists and experts working ’round the clock to cure me instead of some support group trying to boost my confidence by screwing with my language. My language is fine, it’s my legs that don’t work.
We need honesty, not delusions in our language. I am discussing a more subtle form of dishonesty here; clearly there are countless examples of lies being fed to us on a much grander scale. Hell, George W. Bush is the most deceptive liar to be in the Whitehouse since, well, Bill Clinton. If we ever want honesty to really be the best policy, then we need to speak our minds, tell the truth, admit that “honesty” and “policy” do not rhyme, and, most importantly, be clear that, right now, our nation reeks of deception. And cat piss.
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