I arrived at school last month with the hope of permanently leaving the weevil-infested orphanage I once called home. After I arrived, though, I was greeted with the rudest chorus of names and obscenities you could think of. Even my roommate urinated on me as I slept.
A dark and brooding cloud of shame settled over our fair Universitas Wesleiana over the last of days, a cloud that brought with it the rain of humiliation, the hail of shame, and the slushy frozen sleet/rain mix of disgrace.
A most disturbing outbreak of thefts has the Wesleyan campus all a-gossip as we enter the lovely days of the New England autumn. As of printing, the amateur bi-cyclists of the Wesleyan Amateur Bi-Cyclists’ Club have completed 19 notices to the Office of Public Safety and Mulling Spices, reporting the theft of the large front wheels of their bi-cycles.
With the new class of 1910, Wesleyan University has made great strides to diversify its student population by admitting men from a slightly wider array of economic backgrounds. Some current students see this new class as "no-good rascals," "ne’er-do-wells," and "ragamuffins," while others look forward to the breath of fresh air that the ’10ers bring.
The 1907-1908 Wesleyan University Maps to Education listings were released this week, giving students a glimpse at the course offerings for the next academic year. Notable changes include the decision by the music department to include more courses focusing on Sousa-bashing, jazz-scoffing-at, and the-general-field-of-study-known- as-"ethnomusicology"-mocking.
Greetings and salutations, ertswhile companions! Isn’t it grand to be alive in the Year of Our Lord 1906? Why, we just learned at the World’s Fair that someday we may have pictures transmitted by radio-wave! Revel in the hilarity presented in the following mimeo-sheet, and remember: the Ampersand doesn’t use a Jewish printing press, and neither should you!
For reasons not entirely clear to us, this issue ended up being entirely Pope-themed. We had nothing to do with it. It must have been ordained from on high, like all our editorial decisions. Speaking of which, we shall no longer covet Comix’s oxen or goats, the Ampersand shan’t be read on Sundays, and we can each marry seven wives.
POPE INTERVENES ON BEHALF OF EVAN CARP “He was right on with his remarks about the Muslims,” says Pope. BRODY RUCKUS APPOINTED “EXTREME POPE” Licenses space on hat to Mountain Dew, Burton Snowboards. POPE STEALS DIAMONDS USING ROCKET BOOTS Walker, Texas Ranger flummoxed. THAI COUP HAIKU by Stephanie Gomory Again- Thailand coup! Seventeenth since World […]
The Catholic Church thinks that it’s time for a change. The recent International Census showed that Catholicism has lost its popularity amongst target demographic groups such as 18- to 34-year-old males, party peoples, and big-tittied blondes with asses that taste like cotton candy. Furthermore, opinion polls show Pope Benedict XVI standing rungs of popularity below his predecessor, the late John Paul II.
Students were shocked Friday to discover that Wesleyan’s Information Technology Services (ITS) was not to blame for their faulty internet connections. The problem was discovered to be that ethernet cables were universally too short to reach students’ computers.