Everyone has their own opinion as to who should play Spring Fling this May, but wish with caution: Your favorite act may not turn out as planned.
Williams: Hey, can we talk for a bit? Wes: Yeah, totes. What’s the deal?
-Drink green beer. St. Patrick’s Day is everyday now! And everybody’s Irish. Even Jews! -Move to Colonial Williamsburg. Why, your only emissions will be farts! (ed. note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!)
Stacey Augmon. I bet when I just mentioned him, he was the farthest thing from your mind. If he was, well, then you’re just an insensitive prick. Stacey “Plastic Man” Augmon was one of the most electrifying college basketball players of the early 1990s, a three-time Defensive Player of the Year while at UNLV, scoring more than 2,000 points and grabbing more than 1,000 rebounds on his career, and being a member of UNLV’s 1990 National Championship team.
Most of the sexually active young people on this campus have a healthy fear of getting a sexually transmitted disease, and take the proper steps to prevent it. However, there are a few lesser-known STDs you could catch from your friends coming back from a semester in Transylvania, or those of your friends that can be likened to the proverbial town bicycles.
Tennessee: Before he dropped out, native Fred Thompson won over many voters with his pro-moonshinin’ stance. North Dakota: Primary not actually taking place, as North Dakota is a figment of our collective imaginations. Arkansas: Dispensed with any pretense and just put Bill’s name on the ballot.
We’ve been hearing a lot of rumors lately, and we wanted to set the record straight. There will be NO stoppage in the production of professional pornographic movies. We are on the job, and we will be on the job, construction the exciting plots and filthy dialogues for your favorite bleach-blonde minxes and well-hung studs. The Porn Writer’s Guild has made sure that they will stay on the job by making plenty of generous concessions to our producers.
This month’s ice cream social, held at Psi U, was another rousing success, as the 200 available tickets sold out in a record 15 minutes. “The Ice Cream Social series has been successful beyond our wildest dreams,” said Wesleyan Social Club founder Donald Jenkins ’10. “I had no idea how much kids at Wes loved getting together with friends on Saturday nights over a sumptuous buffet of ice cream.”
All Hallows Eve is coming up, and I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about scary things lately. And I’ve also been hearing a lot of talk about scary places. Well, dear reader let me tell you what is truly scary in life: opium dens. I’ve been trying to keep this close to the vest, but I’ve been doing some experimenting with time travel. My goal is to be able to go back in time and get in on one of those Roman orgies, but that’s for another article.
(Note: For the safety of the author, portions of this article have been omitted.) I now share a first initial and last name with a visiting professor, which, due to a curious university bylaw, makes me an assistant professor. And I must say, the world of academia has a squalid underbelly, full of all sorts of questionable behavior. Basically, I’ve learned some shit, man. Some real weird and awful stuff, that I consider it my duty to share with you, the lay student/horrified bystander. So right here, right now, I break the professor’s code to bare the secrets of the Ivory Tower.
Before I run off for the summer, I just wanted to let everyone know how excited I was about my summer job. Earlier in the year, I was stuck trying to figure out what I wanted to do this summer. I wanted a job that was adventurous, required quick wit, and had very little oversight. Yet I couldn't think of a position that would be open to a college student during the summer.
The University has announced massive cutbacks in the school budget in the wake of the announcement that Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will be appearing at this year's Spring Fling. No expense has been spared, as the budget for the date is estimated to be at least 1.5 million dollars, with reported expenses including glowsticks, a professional pyrotechnics crew, and an undisclosed amount in birth control.
Friends, we are in the middle of a struggle, the likes of which have not been seen on many years.We are trapped in a state of virtual servitude, in which we cannot use sticks of colored gypsum to write on the sidewalks of out hallowed university. We have been robbed of a way to advertise events, be irreverent or make jokes. Last year, I attempted to throw a dance party.
Negatives and possible solutions, taken from Mitt Romney’s leaked campaign strategy memo.
HJO: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. I've waited so long for this. There were so many people who said I wouldn't make it, but here I am. Seriously, though, after all these years, I'm back on top. I've finally made it back to the Oscars. Boy, I haven't been here for four years.
Recently, Andrew Bean took some time to talk to the demigod behind the holiday. We thought that he would talk to him about the more famous hook-ups he inspired: Dido and Aeneas, Romeo and Juliet, and David Arquette and Courtney Cox. However, what he found out was infinitely more interesting.
So apparently, the humor publications at other schools *cough* Yale *cough* get their own house to have meetings and throw awesome ragers…and we don't. The Ampersand should have a house. But what type of house should we have? Here are the pros and cons of the houses we're considering.
n aborted fetus is quickly rising up the polls in the growing field of Republican Presidential candidates for 2008. The would-be Shane Bartram of Coral Gables, Florida, aborted by his mother in 1973 after her parents found out she had been impregnated by a University of Miami baseball player.
Lyndon LaRouche, accompanied by the LaRouche Youth Singers, today announced his intention to seek the presidency of Wesleyan University. The announcement marks his fourth attempt at becoming president of the school. During the over-two-hour press conference, which started at North College before being moved to the steps of the Campus Center and finally to the MPR, LaRouche promised to overhaul the administrative structure.
I fucking hate you ass bitches. Where do I start with you and your shitty fucking restaurant? Possibly on the fact that we almost fucking died trying to make the suicide turn into the parking lot. Of course, I would rather go out in a car crash then go out from the E.coli-infested dog shit that you pass off as food to unsuspecting customers.
I arrived at school last month with the hope of permanently leaving the weevil-infested orphanage I once called home. After I arrived, though, I was greeted with the rudest chorus of names and obscenities you could think of. Even my roommate urinated on me as I slept.
One of the best things about being a sophomore is that I now have basic human rights. As we all know, freshmen are subjected to physical abuse, mind games, and humiliation as part of their welcome to Wes. I personally won't miss Ookie Cookie Wednesdays, or being used as a urinal by drunken seniors, but studies have shown that beatings and subjugation are a proven, effective method of achieving both class unity and mental toughness.
The four surviving members of Wesleyan's class of 1936 are looking forward to what will surely be a joyous and mirthful 70th reunion. This reporter managed to get ahold of each of the four men before their return to their alma mater. Obadiah McClatchy, 93, says he can't wait to meet his former classmates.
Dan Cerruti and Andrew Bean tell us how to get laid.
I can't stand that Tom Cruise was robbed once again, this time for his performance in War of the Worlds, in yet another example of Hollywood's bias against Scientologists. Scientologists are hard-working, perfectly sane people. Personally, I think that the Academy was scared away by the reports repeatedly labeling Mr. Cruise as "crazy."
Many people think that it would be cool to be adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. To these people I would say nothing, because I would be slapping them instead. In my opinion, being the adopted progeny of Hollywood royalty would suck. Here are some reasons why:
Kwanzaa is right around the corner, and you may be asking yourself "How do I celebrate Kwanzaa? It seems really hard. Also, I'm white." Well, don't you worry about it. Kwanzaa is not as hard as one may think. Here are a few quick tips on how you can have a truly kick-ass Kwanzaa. And I promise the rest of the white people won't look at you funny.
ALCO 251—Intermediate Drinking Students will use the higher tolerances acquired from the Freshman Drinking Seminar and begin to make the move from drunk to shitfaced. Topics include keg stands, double fisting, the proper uses of Everclear, and the relative merits of PBR.
We got some absinthe shipped to us from Europe. I should have known something was up because it came in a two-liter bottle of Fanta, which isn't how it was portrayed on eBay. The six (I think it was six, it might have been 12, or maybe it just looked that way in the rear-view mirror) of us got in a car and drove to see a cockfight in West Virginia, all of us thinking that cockfighting was legal in there.
Governor M. Jodi Rell yesterday signed into law a ban on Hippie pseudo-music yesterday, making Connecticut the tenth state to do so, and marking a nationwide trend towards banning questionable forms of music. "This is another great day in the history of our state," said the governor.
I met a girl at the Sex Party, and she was gorgeous. We danced for some extended period of time, and after we simulated sex on the dance floor, we went back to her place and had actual sex. And it was fucking great. Wait. All that was a lie. My memory of Saturday night is hazy at best, but I remember one thing very clearly: For the 6605th consecutive day, I did not hook up with anyone.