News briefs

POPE INTERVENES ON BEHALF OF EVAN CARP
“He was right on with his remarks about the Muslims,” says Pope.

BRODY RUCKUS APPOINTED “EXTREME POPE”
Licenses space on hat to Mountain Dew, Burton Snowboards.

POPE STEALS DIAMONDS USING ROCKET BOOTS
Walker, Texas Ranger flummoxed.

THAI COUP HAIKU
by Stephanie Gomory

Again- Thailand coup!
Seventeenth since World War Two.
…won't you Thai my shoe?

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.