Hello and welcome to the new Blargus weekly feature: The Best/Worst of the Anonymous Confession Board. For those who are too high-minded to glory in the daily orgy of voyeurism, fear, and loathing that is the ACB, this is for you: a distanced, bemused look at the Wesleyan student body at its best, and, more often than not, its worst. (We will not be highlighting any posts that mention people by name).

Onward and upward, then. Here’s our first thread of choice:

CHOICE ONE: If I was Wesleyan’s president, here is what I would do–Here’s how to make Wesleyan a more competitive, intellectually stimulating, attractive school:

“1. Abolish all D-3 sports teams.

2. Kick any student with a GPA lower than 2.75 out of school permanently.

3. Make admissions race-blind.

4. Let in more poor white kids from rural areas and fewer rich ones from New York.

5. Take more Asian and Indian students, particularly those with a proclivity towards the hard sciences.

6. Make every campus event in any venue free to students.

7. Disallow transfer students

8. Allow students studying abroad to pay the school directly, rather than have to pay Wesleyan rates while not at Wesleyan.

9. Add a dirt bike track with rentable 100cc bikes behind Freeman.

10. Tear down all the Foss dorms and build something fresh and appealing to the eyes.

11. Turn Mocon into a roller-rink

12. Pay professors more competitively.

13. Force X-house to either change its name or be torn down. No need to sanction racism of any kind.

14. Fully fund WESU and kick NPR off Wesleyan airwaves.

15. Put a gate around the projects.

16. Force the mayor to honor Wesleyan each year with an official “Wesleyan Appreciation Day.”

17. Hire a private, armed security force to patrol Wesleyan property, a la Blackwater.

…I have a dream!”

Here are a few additions to the list, suggested by other anonymous confessors:

“1. Get some arcade games for Usdan

2. Stop teaching classes and focus on running the school.

3. Move into a less ostentatious house until raising the endowment back to healthy levels.

4. Properly fix the fence in front of Russell House that those idiots knocked down last year.

5. Sell-off any Wesleyan-owned property north of Washington Street and south of High Street.

6. Actually do SOMETHING with the Long Lane land/buildings.”

And…

“1. Open an on-campus bar

2. Sell beer at Wes Shop

3. Re-open the liquor store next to Neon

4. Allow open containers in the cinema

5. Subsidize a ‘bar night’ downtown for students with over a 3.7 GPA

6. Serve beer and wine in USDAN with meals”

To see the full thread, check out http://collegeacb.com/sb/wes/thread/116894. And now for something completely different:

 

CHOICE TWO: um, serious problem

“I slept naked last night like I do sometimes, but this time I had an incredibly intense sex dream and woke up with my bed covered in semen. It soaked two sheets deep, and the mattress pad also has a huge stain. 
Will just washing them get the stains out? I’m not kidding, I’d like to not bring these good sheets home to Mom with crusty come stains all over.”

And the response:

• “just wash them asap”
• “awww cute”
• “I didn’t know admissions was bringing 13-year-old boys into this school now”
• “I also end up getting incredibly horny when I sleep naked. Jerking off right before bed is a good plan.”

See the full thread here: http://collegeacb.com/sb.php?school=wes&page=thread&id=116535&p=1

Thanks for tuning in. We’ll be back every Sunday.

About Ezra Silk

I have been interested in journalism ever since I was an editor at my high school student newspaper, where I was involved in a freedom of speech controversy that was covered in the local newspaper as well as local television and radio outlets. The ACLU became involved, and the ensuing negotiations lead to a liberalization of my school's freedom of expression policy. I worked as a summer intern at the Hartford Courant after my freshman year at Wesleyan, reporting for the Avon Bureau under Bill Leukhardt and publishing over 30 stories. At the Argus I have been a news reporter, news assistant editor, news editor, features editor, editor-in-chief, executive editor, blogger, and multimedia director. I have overseen the redesign of wesleyanargus.com, founding the Blargus and initiating ArgusVideo at the beginning of my time as editor-in-chief during the spring of my junior year. During my senior year, I have co-edited the Blargus with Gianna Palmer and founded Argus News Radio, a 15-minute weekly show produced by WESU 88.1 on which I conduct a weekly segment interviewing seniors about their thesis topics. I have written over 70 stories at the Argus and continue to do reporting and blogging as much as I can.