The Presidential Search Committee recently gave the Argus permission to publish the names of the rejected presidential candidates, as well as the presidential search committee members’ notes on each. For the betterment of the community, we’ve published them, in their entirety, below.

MARTIN BENJAMIN ’57
Defends opinions well. Engaged in student newspaper.
ELIMINATED: Insisted on turning WESpeaks into publicity vehicle for Office of the President.

KIM STOLZ ’05
Pretty, skinny, and tall.
ELIMINATED: Demonstrates distrustfulness through history of unfaithfulness to significant others.

WILLIAM J. CLINTON
Charming and articulate.
ELIMINATED: Demonstrates distrustfulness through history of unfaithfulness to significant others. Previous experience does not reflect substantial qualifications.

HELEN KELLER
Represents disabled minorities.
ELIMINATED: Deceased.

WILLIAM HUNG
Very enthusiastic and vocal.
ELIMINATED: Incomprehensible. Loco. Not well hung.

SOPHIE WEIL-ROTH
Extremely well qualified. Articulate, engaged, experienced, intelligent.
ELIMINATED: 9 years old.

TERRY SCHIAVO
Please refer Helen Keller.

SISQÓ
Represents ethnic minorities.
ELIMINATED: Had a look in his eye so devilish, uh.

GRANDMA MOCON
Approachable, engaging, and open to input, uh.
ELIMINATED: Represents ethnic minorities.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH
Please refer to Helen Keller.