Dear Matt,
Why does the Wespeaks section often contain Fish, Carp, and a Lake?
-Mike Beque
Dear Confused,
There’s nothing wrong with Fish, but you never know what to expect from a fish, Carp included. Sometimes it’s hard to gauge exactly what they’re thinking, especially when they’re puking, shitting, and bleeding all over your boat. Maybe that’s because the Lake is polluted.
-Matt
Dear Matt,
As a gay Muslim, I am often offended by the Wespeaks and Ampersand pages.
-Imakak Suqir
Dear Cock Sucker,
Clearly the Argus hates gay Muslims. And straight Muslims. And Jews. And Christians. And atheists. And especially the smaller, ridiculous religions/cults.
-Matt
Dear Matt,
I have trouble getting an erection. My problems started when I zipped up my fly too hastily and caught myself in it. What should I do?
-Brock N. Sassage
Dear Broken Sausage,
This is a page for letters to me pertaining to the newspaper, not a sex advice column. All I can tell you is to avoid the health center and, in the future, keep your fly open.
-Matt
Dear Matt,
I wipe my ass with the comics section.
-Anda Toylet
Dear Stinky,
That’s a bad idea. There is probably blood and ink coming out of your anus.
-Matt
Dear Matt,
I have an article suggestion for the Argus. Often times, in order to add $500 to the repairs fund via the wallets of poor, already overcharged college students, Physical Plant enters my house at inopportune times to see if we have been in our basement.
-Private Lee Waksmen
Dear Closet Dweller,
That explains why they haven’t gotten rid of the rabid bats in WestCo.
-Matt
Dear Matt,
Why hasn’t anyone from Girls Gone Wild come to make a video on our campus?
-Gyna Lewis
Dear Open Legs,
It’s because of those Damn feminists.
-Matt
Dear Matt,
I am troubled because you are in a position of power, and not only are you an Italian American who probably has mob ties, but you are an Evangelical Christian who probably wants the leader of Venezuela to be assassinated.
-Haddy Twohill
Dear Hellbound,
Hiya doin’? Ya know, bein’ dat religion don’t mean dat I agree wit Pat Robertson. Dat kinda talk really bakes my scrod. I mean, fuggedaboudit! Don’t make me get my friends into dis.
-Matt
Dear Matt,
The Hermes is a much better publication than the Argus.
-Amra Tahdit
Dear Retard,
Wait a second. The Hermes is still published?
-Matt
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