President Douglas Bennet is out to prove that you can teach an old dog new tricks. In an exclusive interview he granted to “Argus” reporters, Bennet said that during his office hours this Tuesday he will officially announce his decision to end the chalking ban.
“As titillating as it was for me, I recognize now that prohibiting students from chalking denied them their first amendment rights and went against the spirit of Wesleyan,” Bennet said.
The formal written end to the chalking ban will be sent out via e-mail on Tuesday evening. Though unorthodox, Bennet explained that he chose to make three announcements in order to pay homage to students’ unflagging efforts to preserve chalking on campus.
In a symbolic gesture, students presented Bennet with the same chalking proposal as created last year during his office hours earlier this week. Though at the time, Bennet seemed characteristically closed to student concerns, he later reconsidered his obstinacy.
“Anthony Romero’s lecture resonated with me,” Bennet said. “Afterwards, I went home and actually read the proposal. Though I still wasn’t convinced that chalking was the way to go, I couldn’t believe that the students I routinely ignore on principle had come up with a viable solution. I opened my eyes and for once saw the cosmic harmony in their words and thoughts.”
Bennet scheduled two emergency, late-night faculty meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday, carefully considering the faculty’s stance on the issue and listening to both sides of the argument.
In order to adequately account for student needs, with lightning speed Director of Communications Justin Harmon wrote a report detailing the way that the chalking ban affected students on campus. According to his findings, since the beginning of the ban students have been going to classes, eating, attending parties, sleeping, using illicit substances and having sex. Bennet was shocked by Harmon’s findings.
The true turning point came when Bennet was watching “Austin Powers” and relaxing after the faculty meeting on Wednesday. Suddenly, Bennet realized that he was, in fact, Doctor Evil hiding behind the guise of academia.
“Like Doctor Evil, I continuously seek to thwart Austin Powers, a.k.a. the students, with ridiculous restrictions,” he said. “I wouldn’t let them chalk and if they tried I SJB’ed them. Isn’t that diabolical? But, the students, a.k.a. Austin Powers, still proved irresistibly attractive to everyone but me and managed to fight me whilst having a good time, misbehaving and shagging all over the place. I mean, I even have a Master Plan.”
The further he delved into the similarities the more horrified he became.
“The real revelation was that if I truly am Doctor Evil, then I’ll be forced into a series of mind-numbing sequels in which I’ll have to play all the roles because no one will want to work with me. Basically, it’ll be the end of my career and to make it worse, I’ll be followed around by a miniature clone of myself who will mumble incomprehensibly.”
Personal considerations also contributed to Bennet’s reassessment.
“I just made the connection between myself and chalking,” he said. “People rarely understand me when I speak so I often have to write things down. An added bonus is that since I decided to repeal the ban, Midge has let me back into the bedroom and we go at it like elephants.”
In a related story, Bennet decided to cut his salary in order to pay for drinks for all at Spring Fling.
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