The Ombuds’ Guide To Awkward Housing Selection and Honest Conversations

We’ve all been there. We enter the Spring semester, StarRez opens up, and before you know it’s already time to figure out where you want to live—but more importantly, who you want to live with. We understand that friendships can sometimes be complicated, and just because you’ve been best friends since high school or the first day of orientation doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll mesh in a shared living situation.

If you are asked to live with someone, and you’ve already made plans with others, or rather just believe that they aren’t the right fit for you, there are ways to let people down easily and save your relationship (without future resentment).

Honest communication

Housing selection is both important and stressful for everyone. The sooner you communicate that you’ve figured out your group/roommate situation to potential candidates, the easier it will be for them to make new plans, instead of waiting right before the portal closes and leaving them out to dry. Have an honest conversation with them where you explain that you value the relationship, but you don’t plan on living with them next year. We recommend having that conversation as early as possible so no one is caught off guard. Keep reading for suggestions on how to break the news! 

What should I say? Tips on avoiding conflict during the conversation 

A key step to navigating uncomfortable conversations is identifying a common goal between you and the other person. You can start by saying how much you value your friendship, and that you want a smooth year for both you and your friend. Following that, you can mention things you’ve observed that suggest you have mismatched living styles (they like to go out a lot, but you value going to bed early). After you mention these, you can say, “Because of these differences, I don’t think our living styles would be compatible.” On the other hand, if you simply want to live with someone else, it’s better to be honest than sugarcoat it. Continue reading for tips on managing emotions that may come up during these conversations! 

Managing emotions that arise

Let people know the ways in which you value them, even if that doesn’t mean living together. If you are being asked to room with someone, they clearly value your relationship and would appreciate growing closer or simply seeing you as someone they feel comfortable being around when coming home from class. Not wanting to live with someone doesn’t make you a bad friend. In fact, by not living together, you could be trying to preserve your friendship by avoiding clashes that might arise from sharing a room. If there are hurt feelings, try to remedy them with reassurance that they are valued in your life and that this decision is not a reflection of your friendship. After you have that conversation, if you genuinely want to continue your friendship, you can be the one to initiate meals or hang out with them. 

What if you’re on the opposite end?

Expecting to live with someone but things not unfolding that way is definitely a difficult feeling to navigate. It’s best to understand that someone choosing another roommate(s) is almost never about you; in fact, most times it has to do with that person’s specific needs or preferences for their own comfort. They are securing what they believe is best for them; in other words, it’s them. Not you. When searching for someone new to live with, consider your friendships that haven’t had the chance to develop, or even acquaintances you might want to get to know. It may seem like a long shot, but they could be looking for their fifth or sixth person, or they hope to spend more time with you, too. In the chance that you get matched with a total stranger, try to frame it as an opportunity to make a new friend! Whether you’re a rising sophomore or senior, it’s never too late to branch out and connect with someone new.

JT Thomas is a member of the class of 2026 and can be reached at jthomas02@wesleyan.edu.

Carolyn Cheng is a member of the class of 2028 and can be reached at ccheng01@wesyelan.edu.

Jacey Henry is a member of the class of 2027 and can be reached at jahenry@wesleyan.edu.