Valentine’s Day is drawing near, and it’s probably the most critical time to think about the best ways to make a first move. As someone who has admiringly listened to American politicians for the past couple of years, I present to you a collection of U.S. politicians’ romantic approaches that my dear Wesleyan fellows can learn from.
The credit goes to presidents Joe Biden and Donald Trump—the most renowned and experienced U.S. presidents of the 21st century. Rest assured, this is the advice to follow if you really want to increase the chances of your crush saying “yes.”
We may be in the age of dating “gurus” like Andrew Tate, but these men have, at some point, run the military, deported immigrants, and signed bills to address climate change (or virtually abolish the EPA), so you know they are the people to listen to. Now, let us take a look at these two U.S. presidents’ advice.
Back in the historic year of 2016 when Trump first won the U.S. presidential election against Hillary Clinton, we learned all about his quite scandalous love life, ranging from cheating allegations to the release of the 2005 “Access Hollywood” tape. Trump entered the White House with his third wife, Melania, after divorcing his previous two wives, Ivana Trump and Marla Maples. Hopefully, he had a good lawyer write those prenups!
Trump does not limit his pursuit of romantic relationships to merely finding himself a wife, but also fantasizing about his own daughters. In March 2006, on an episode of ABC’s “The View,” Star Jones, then a co-host of the show, asked how Trump would react if Ivanka Trump posed for Playboy. Trump articulated in an undefeated spirit: “I don’t think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” Yes, nothing says presidential decorum like something a drunk dad would say at his son’s frat on a visiting weekend.
This is not the only time that Trump has expressed his lustful desires toward his own daughters. In an episode of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous,” Trump discussed his then–one-year-old daughter, Tiffany. “She’s a really beautiful baby. She’s got Marla’s legs.” Trump then indicated large breasts with his hands and said, “We don’t know whether or not she’s got this part yet, but time will tell.” Oh, Cards, even if you are desperate to find yourself a Valentine’s Day date, do not ask your family members (especially your daughters).
Trump’s unseemly approach towards women does not end here. During his US presidential campaign, a clip of Trump on a hot mic before a 2005 interview with “Access Hollywood” was published by The Washington Post. Trump boasted to then–talk show host, Billy Bush: “I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.” What great dating advice from our 45th and 47th president! As a woman, if there is one piece of advice that I want to give to the Wesleyan male population, it’s that this is definitely the wrong way to get women to give you a second glance.
In contrast to Trump, Biden has really emphasized the importance of bodily contact and intimate interaction with women, earning the title “Creepy Joe.” At the start of Biden’s campaign for the White House, videos showing his touchy behavior around women went viral. One video of Biden at a mock swearing-in ceremony depicted a little blonde-haired girl standing in front of Biden, posing to wait for a picture with him. Biden, unable to resist his urge, clasped her small shoulders and relentlessly sniffed her hair. It’s basically like Weekend at Bernie’s: The Tinder Edition. He did not stop even when she looked uncomfortable and expressed her discomfort by moving her face away from him. Yes, body language is indeed essential in your romantic relationship, but only to the extent where both of you are comfortable.
In addition, a clip of then–Vice President Biden swearing in Ashton Carter as Secretary of Defense in 2015 showed Biden squeezing the shoulder of Carter’s wife, Stephanie, while her husband delivered his speech. He then placed both his hands on the seemingly uncomfortable woman and whispered into her ear. Regardless of how important that message could have been, it is undeniable that Biden was unaware of boundaries. Here is another lesson we can take away for the upcoming Valentines’ Day—respect each other’s boundaries. Love may have no boundaries, but you should avoid improper bodily interaction to improve your chances.
However, Biden did underscore the importance of a good long hug! In 2016, at a Pennsylvania airport, Biden greeted Hillary Clinton by placing both his hands on Clinton’s waist and holding her in his arms for a stellar record of 16 seconds. Clinton, looking very uncomfortable, tapped on his arms multiple times, urging him to let go, but he refused to break the hug for an awkwardly long time. Cards, remember again that love involves body language. Well, make sure to give a good hug (but perhaps not too long) to your significant other this upcoming Valentine’s Day.
To my dear Cards, if you think your Valentine’s Day is going to be lame, do not worry! Just remember that it cannot be any worse than our past two commanders-in-chief: a hair sniffer and a guy who brags about grabbing.
Grace Lee is a member of the class of 2029 and can be reached at glee01@wesleyan.edu.
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