Do you want to know something, Elyssa? For some reason, I feel frustrated when inane Wespeaks are published that crudely criticize an artist’s hard work. My original plan was to track you down, burn an effigy outside your dorm, spread a lie about you having syphilis, and then base my next column on why you’re having the Worst Week Ever. But then, I’d be making a serious statement about you and that’s not what I’m about. Instead I’ll fight fire with prose.
You claim to want “bitchy and angry” columns. Now I may be wrong, but aren’t bitchy and angry columns usually vapid, self-absorbed pieces of work without style or substance? They raise an issue and then whine and repeat themselves for a couple hundred words before petering out into an irrelevant mess. “Bitchy and angry” columns usually end up being abrasive and overbearing and add nothing to a “serious discussion of serious issues.”
Next, you say the job of an Argus column “isn’t to entertain…but to be an important critical voice on campus.” Do you read magazines, newspapers or any commercial prose? Do you understand that in order for a piece of work to be read, it has to be entertaining? I’m not saying there aren’t columns that are both critical and entertaining (you say Sussman’s column does this and I agree). But to ask a writer to go against his or her leanings and craft a piece of work for the sole purpose of firing you up and getting you out of your diminutive Wesleyan bubble is rude, selfish and degrading to the artist and the audience at large. There are some columnists who write about jail statistics and others who write about contra dancing (something I’ve never heard of that sounds much more intriguing than pissing you off).
I could have a column about why starving children in Fill-In-The-Blank-Third-World-Country are having the worst week ever, but will people actually read it? Would anyone (myself included) care about what I’m writing? The short answer is no. I have many opinions about racism, sexism and homophobia but I leave the serious reporting to the serious reporters. My column is a humor column and my goal is to be amusing. I don’t “feel the need to be ‘funny’ and ‘quirky’”; I am funny and quirky. And I’m not Christian, so I can’t have an angel on my shoulder (unless you mean “angle”—in which case, update your spell-checker or edit your work). I write my column to relate to other people, not to be a self-aggrandizing hipster. If it also gets a rise out of the public, I’ve done my job and done it well. If my column doesn’t suit you, don’t read it. And refrain from cheap insults like “Stephen Aubrey already does it better than you anyway.”
Regarding your need for political commentary and cultivation of serious issues, read the rest of the Argus. Inside are many columns that bring up significant issues and solicit student opinions on them. Conversely, there are columns that are not as “serious” or “important.” Are you implying that we don’t need comics, an Ampersand, a Roving Reporter, or a WesCeleb? These columns don’t raise “serious” issues but they exist. Hey, let’s lose the sports section—how are away games relevant to Wesleyan’s “polemic” atmosphere? Let’s have one huge paper of Wespeaks and editorials! It will be sooo entertaining and sooo many people will read the Argus and be thrilled by the fact that we discuss serious issues. Seriously.
Finally let’s address the huge print issue (and implying that I write my columns at the “last minute”). My recent column was 1,003 words. My previous column was 784 words but went from 515 to 917 words before I cut down on the superfluous and pretentious language, which is a skill you should learn. Don’t even get me started on such horrendous phrases as “same old tiresome trend of” and “sincerely passionate, analytical and daring polemic” (could you be any more verbose?—and yes that is a “jazzy” Friends reference). I work on these articles ahead of time and I keep a folder of columns in progress. Also, there is no shame in being concise; I don’t fluff things that don’t need fluffing. Perhaps you want to read a newspaper with a magnifying glass while listening to Rage Against The Machine; I don’t.
Elyssa, take yourself less seriously, because I already do.
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