Dearest SafeWords Readers,
We know you missed us, which is why we’re starting off the semester with a “bang.”
Before we get into the article, we’d like to allow YOU the opportunity to take part in something truly special. At the bottom of this article is a QR code that leads to an anonymous response form. Should you have funny hook-up stories, anecdotes, questions, advice, burdens, sorrows, etc. that you would like to submit, we, Birdy & Bea, are compiling these entries for a special Valentine’s Day article that will be sure to knock your socks off. Come on! Submit!
Do or Don’t? (But Mostly Don’t)
As the trusted sex professionals on campus (sorry to the Counseling and Psychological Services sex therapist), we know that things can get a little…intense during intimate moments. Sometimes, in the course of intercourse, some of us may say things that we wouldn’t otherwise say, which is why we have compiled a list of the worst things to say or do during intimacy. And the worst part about this worst things list? Everything listed below actually happened to real-life people. Shocking, but the truth often is. Without further ado:
Trump voice
Intent: Showing off your voice-impression skills.
Reality: Careful! “Bubba” might hear.
“This is so high school.”
Intent: Nostalgia for the olden days, perhaps?
Reality: Oh God, everyone’s looking at me. I’m breaking out. I’m screwed for this algebra test. And prom is tomorrow.
“Mamma Mia!”
Intent: An exclamation of wonder and astonishment. Also, Bea’s favorite musical.
Reality: Imagine your name is Mia. That complicates things.
Jennifer Coolidge voice (“Ooooo, it makes me want a hot dog real bad.”)
Intent: Conjure the endlessly hilarious musings of the Boston actress.
Reality: You look like the 4th of July.
“Car Seat Headrest” coming on while receiving head in the car; also, you’re on aux.
Intent: Cool, indie movie moment.
Reality: Oh shit, did you know he’s a furry?
“You’ve gotten better since last time!”
“I was bad before?”
“Yeah, you were terrible.”
Intent: Promote a growth mindset.
Reality: Please hold questions or comments until the end of the session.
“Oh God, we should not do that again.”
Intent: Uhhh…
Reality: Yeah…never say this.
“You need to work on your riding game.”
Intent: [I’m blaming you for my little baby penis.]
Reality: Something you might say to a jockey but not your partner.
“Josephine, I shall be marching on Moscow tomorrow.”
Intent: Unite all of Europe under the French flag.
Reality: Never invade Russia, Napoleon.
“I’m almost there.”
“Period!”
Intent: Enthusiastic acknowledgement.
Reality: It’s not giving.
“Your mom is the most attractive member of your family.”
Intent: Complimenting your genetics.
Reality: I want to bang your mom.
Woof. As final remarks, we, your loyal writers and friends, would like to remind you, if this list isn’t evidence enough: Some things are better left unsaid.
Yours, as always,
Birdy & Bea
P.S. Scan the QR code below! You know you want to 😉
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