“The Last Song,” or, Hannah Montana vs. Human Mortality

April 2, 2010 • By csmall

Miley Cyrus is a phenomenon and a superstar and a notable icon of North American Have It Your Way-ism, but she is not an especially talented thespian. As star of “The Last Song”, a melodrama written by Nicholas Sparks, the scribe behind “The Notebook” and “A Walk to Remember,” she does okay with surly teenaged charm and even with the weepy scenes, but scenes of dramatic confession and confrontation have an uncomfortable deadness.

It’s not Cyrus’s fault, of course, that Sparks’s dialogue is so lifeless, so full of icky nonsense platitudes. The writing is so unrepentantly tossed-off that whenever characters reveal an intense emotional event from their past, they seem to speak in outline form. A kid makes a dramatic confession about accidentally starting a fire, “Well, we were behind the church, just playin’ around, and, and drinkin’, and then we started…” Pause.
Authority figure, “Playing with fire?”

“…Yeah.” The end. The mechanical story structure calls on Cyrus’ protagonist to periodically yell at and push away her heroic, chiseled boyfriend for contrived reasons so that he can come back and kiss her on the beach in different light settings. (This boyfriend also happens to be very wealthy and to think that Miley Cyrus has an exceptional singing voice.) The whole thing is despicably squeaky-clean and simplistic—a vile, plastic product.

Needless to say, it disturbs me that I kind of liked this stupid movie. The reason is that it is, in the end, about death. While the movie is clumsy with many small things, it is surprisingly graceful when it comes to this large thing. Greg Kinnear, as Cyrus’s sincere and lonely father, does well, though he’s saddled with as much treacly dialogue as everyone else is and does some cutesy mugging as he tries to win Cyrus’ surly teenaged affection.

He happens to have cancer, which is a dangerous device, but the movie doesn’t push it; it simply lets us know that this well-meaning older man is dying, and suddenly his sappy advice and corny sense of humor seem quite valuable, like a real person’s. Cyrus and her boyfriend are watching some baby sea turtles scampering out from their eggs when Kinnear collapses—and we get a creepy shot of the baby turtles being engulfed by the ocean. Just before the section of the film that isolates Cyrus and Kinnear in the father’s last days, Cyrus throws one last self-righteous, angry speech at her boyfriend, but then, he tries several times to kiss her while she jerks back, as if infected and afraid. Up to that point, the film has been an intermittently pleasant but awfully gooey ode to teenage romance—but an awareness of death makes the picture-postcard atmosphere more tolerable, even comforting.
It remains a picture-postcard affair, mortality and all, and a pretty bland one, artistically speaking. It does, however, have one lovely and meaningful image. The movie begins with a few moments of footage of a church burning down—and, of course, it has been rebuilt by the end, with a big stained-glass window designed by Kinnear’s character. I have to admit that it is, in my opinion, a lovely stained-glass window; it shows two women huddled in awe in one corner and a big, spiky angel rising brightly in the middle.

This is the kind of movie where they talk about hope and love a lot while you most likely roll your eyes; I only wish all of the movie were as concrete and resurrectional as that window. Like most everything else, the window gets co-opted for nauseating, maudlin effect—as when Cyrus, at the funeral service, sees a sparkle of sunlight in it and says with mournful whimsy, “Hi, Dad.” But it really is a lovely window.

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114 responses to ““The Last Song,” or, Hannah Montana vs. Human Mortality”

  3. well first, why should she have a last song? when she goes her fans will not love her show no more. and i so think the movie is great!
    these are my true thoughts, love your biggets fan christina steube.

    Reply

  4. yeah; its great my bff told me its awesome’ maybe you should mail me at 209 chiappa rd 32456 va lov ya !

    Reply

  8. miley rockssssssss.her voice is awesome.the movie was very nice.i loved it.anyways , it could have been better.

    Reply

  15. I CANT WAIT TO BE LIKE YOU. BUT PLEASE DONT GIVE UP .YOU ARE LIKE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOL. CAN I BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.

    Reply

  22. I saw the movie. Miley portrayed her character as I would expect any young adult to behave in real life. Were our Miley to take n a script portraying a character who had been raised since birth by wolves in a forest and now after being “rescued” has to act normal in society what with all the publicity and all, I believe our Miley has the gumption and wherewithall to give a most wonderful and spectacular performamce were she ever given the challenge of such role playing … . (those idiotic dots … dot-dot-dot …, again, … geez! They follow me around these dumb dots, … just try to ignore them if U can …) Anyway, my channel is mergatroidal on YouTube and here I’m writing situational scenes for screenplay for movie or TV. MILEY DREAMS or HANNAH MONTANA TAKES MANHATTAN. Were the bigwigs at Disney to understand what I want to do with Hannah Montana before she grows up and gets too old to play the character, well, there may be more seasons of shows for our wonderful Miley “Maiden America” Cyrus. Visit my YT channel and follow the links for more information … . I’m as serious as cancer, too … .

    Reply

  28. Killian Adams I love you hannah Montana 14 cool hot pop star rock star bast fiend boy hot love me my hert whic come true killian Ben adms Joe joans ok mom dad I love you I miss you tensae

    Reply

  34. Miley emotes not acts and she can’t sing worth a nickle, I wouldn’t walk across the street to see her movie.
    I hope she rides off into Montana and we never hear from her again….

    Reply

  50. I HAERD SOMONE SAY ON YOUR PAGE MRRLY IS DOME AND SO IS HANNAH THATS YOU SORRY BUT HOPE YOU HAVE FUN MAKEING THE MOVIE P.S HOO ARE YOUR FRINDS HANNAH RIGHT BACK TO ME

    Reply

  54. I really want to see it.Im getting the movie today. I cant wate its going to be so fun I love miley cyurs she’s so cool I just moved to Australia its so much fun. I love it so much iv got miley cyurs and hannah montana posters all over my room iv got every thing hannah montana its so cool.I want to meet miley cyurs and so dose my cozzien.byeeeeeee

    Reply

  56. hi iv got the same name as miley cyurs i made my mum change my first name but my last name is cyurs its so cool having the same name and i love her so much iv meet the other miley cyurs shes so cool ttfn tahtahfor now bye

    Reply

  61. I bet the last song is going to be awsome I have not seen the movie but I bet it is awsome I really want to see the movie bu I will have to wait I cant wait till I see the movie I bet it is going to be awsome IMEAN AWSOME

    Reply
  63. seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx says:

    i lllov you bab like in bed sex girl

    Reply

  65. Wow that movie was pretty upsetting but at the same time it was the best movie i have watched this year so far!!!

    Reply

  66. Wow i thought it was the really last song u ever wrote but it wasn’t but it was still great and …….. I love you Miley Cyrus !!
    🙂 LOVEE YAAH <3

    Reply

  77. miley I haven’t seen the show yet but I love the
    song it’s asaome like you your the best ever!
    IF MY MOM HAD THE MONEY SHE WOULD BRING ME TO YOUR CONSERD I LOVE YOU!

    Reply

  79. 1dhhgfhhhsgvgcgteddieiivgfsh8gkiw7jgiusgddladhcgekvhbsejhdvgjegvajhsdbc,jbsdcjmbmjbmhvdhgdhyawfeduatywegfukayebfvjhbsdjmHBAfkjahwefbiudhblkjdv.jKNSlfai3wyrowy48et987ey5697!!!!!!!dfgbksbfvkshbdfvoygworvywoerfihwoeig.goiegrouygoef sveeuyrgvoaegvsdfgvkuhsdbfi8egwyro8wyegfuhduvhaoer8yfgoeryugfoauyegdfoiagsdofgqoe8yfgaiwdufhoieudhoaisudfhoergow87gog87gerfo87hoerughoiwurhtgoiuyowefvogousgwouhoeiurgo8rtgoowhgowghwohgow8ghwouhrejdfnryhfbvytfhgbvruhfncb rfyhvb yfhgvb gyhvb yrhghfduwhsbhu8iuhbhuhbhu8hbvghyuyhgbvhyuyhgbhyu7uyhghyu7yhghyu7yhgbvghyuyhgbhyusyhgbghyuuhvhyu8hvdbhu8wuhsdbhu8e9w8sudhxbcdhusi89idujhbshjuwi8sdujchbdhjuwiedhbcvchufdiujhcb bchdjiwsdjcnbdnsejisidcjndsjicjnbd njxic9idjhb c hjui ucjdhbe wdhjcui8udhbvchu v8cfduehbvvh

    Reply

  80. i think hannah montana is a nice girl and her movie THE LAST SONG is a wonderful movie and it is awsome.

    Reply

  88. hi my name is katie i loved the move you plady my favoret port was wenh he said give me some gas i thot it was funney wen he got durt on hem i tekh you sude follow your drems hannah montana

    Reply

  89. can i have THREE TEKITES ME AND MY SETR ARE A HEDH FAN WE LEVH ON LOWES SALLER RD 982 g.a teii us werh you levh and we well came toYOU WITH ME BAEK

    Reply

  94. i have not seen the movie yet, but it sounds good. I an a HUGE FAN. And i have seen almost all of your shows but not THE LAST SONG.
    PLEAS PLEAS CAN I HAVE 5 TICKES TO YOUR CONSERT !!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  95. Pleas do not give up your singing because i heard that you were dune singing and that makes me sad and your fans witch you have a lot of! ROCK ON FROM,Maeley,Chris, Matt, dad,mom!!!!

    Reply

  97. i always wanted to be a singer if you have the time i would love if you would coach me on the singing thing But i’m vary shy so,well do your BEST!!!!!
    MAELEY BEDARD

    Reply

  101. my mom is going to take me to see the movie. i cant wait. i know it’s going to be the best. I LOVE YOU HANNAH MONTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  109. hey hannah i dint see the movie but the movie will be gr8 b’coz u r there!
    let they comment wether movie is bad , worst
    its ok i am there to cheer u up
    urs
    vijju
    do well hannah!

    Reply

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