Dear Wesleyan Community,
Please, all of you, call me Xernon: I am from a far far away star but right now I am hovering in a spaceship very near your atmosphere. I happened to get my fingers on a copy of Tuesday’s Argus and was delighted to see some of the articles written on page 3. My species has been involved in something I now feel open to tell you all about since I feel you will all understand where I am coming from.
As I write this, plans are already unfolding that will soon inject a colorless odorless substance into the clouds overhanging the United States of America. We are a technologically advanced species and the clouds will release this gas over the 50 states, from California to Texas to Minnesota to Connecticut, and in a few short hours when you all unwittingly breathe in this gas many of you will die or regress mentally to an opaque state. We’re trying to restore order in the USA. Try to imagine it all.
I come to sort of apologize for my government’s actions, and to ask for your understanding. Such a decision by the government was a complicated one and people far away on our star were confused at what would be the best route to take with Earth. I am also confused, but regardless, the educational institution I study at is invested in the company that makes this technology.
Understand that this company was very lucrative for my institution to invest in. The whole financial system was also tricky and it might have been hard for us to divest from this technology.
Also, though this company produces this technology that in a few hours will decimate your lives, our company also produces some defenses for our species in case of attack. Though we have never fought a war in our home star, though we have the most weapons and defense capabilities, we must make sure we use lots of money to have defense technology in case someone would attack us with weapons made from their weapons manufacturers like ours.
Thirdly, this company only made the lethal technology, it doesn’t actually employ it. That was our government that did that. The company just aids them in their efforts, they don’t actually directly themselves actually personally directly do the effort…yeah, so, it’s cool. And does a company really ever know for sure how its technology will be used? Even though our weapons are being used all over the Milky Way causing violence in all its constellations and corners, I mean…how do we really know what’s going on? Also, it’s not like violence didn’t exist before this technology. People will always find ways to kill each other, whether it is through a stick and stone or massive sweeping efficiently destructive gases.
Also, we should fight to make the causes of war go away not the instruments. It’s not as if both go hand in hand or that one would help lead to the other. Also, it’s not as if, say, fashion companies create the demand for make-up or high heels or shaving or perpetuate all these ideas of fashion—the demand for these starts, continues, and ends independently in each individual human.
More so, even though members of our government are also financially invested in these companies, the companies didn’t have an effect on policy making. It’s pure paranoia. Lobbying and money have no effect on our government. Our members in government are so immune to conditioning and personal desire and are so caring that even if they were immensely pressured to act in a certain way and reap treasure from such a way, they wouldn’t.
Also, no one else divested from the company except one college because they don’t like violence but that’s not applicable at all. Also, we didn’t have ABSOLUTE TOTAL UNANIMOUS support on campus and some people didn’t care to really take a firm stance on whether one way of acting was more responsible than another way of acting and who defines this I mean who decides if sending out gas to kill or harm you is reprehensible or that giving rights to homosexuals is good I mean how can we ever decide and there are so many other companies we’re invested in that aren’t so nice either so well I think you all understand why we let what was happening happen and tried not to influence it.
“Business as usual, empire, our lifestyle fucks.”
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