Dear World,
“Great undefeated teams don’t lose.” — George Washington Carver
George Washington Carver, recently named Time Magazine’s most influential person, has something to tell the Wesleyan community: the Buddhist House Dandelions don’t lose. Earlier this week the world witnessed the epic Intramural Champions League soccer finals, one of the most historic games of all time. Records were shattered, and hearts were melted when the Buddhist House Dandelions demolished/trounced/castrated Team Buttaface 1-0 to become the first undefeated team since the AFC/NFC merger. Team Buttaface, led by a coalition of men and a couple of women relegated to snack-duty on the sidelines, came out fierce, but left very much de-fierced. “Hopefully next year we can at least put it into overtime before losing, and maybe lose less shamefully,” said one Buttaface-er on team objectives for the 2008 season.
Buddhist House celebrated the win with five bottles of Andre, which they reportedly found in an abandoned bag on the field, according to one civil war-era bearded man who requested to remain anonymous. Rarely does a team go undefeated. Rarer still does a team never lose. The Dandelions, historically, managed to do both. Michael Bay ’86, said that “Buddhist house is quite simply better than everyone else at soccer. Watching Andy Zack play was better than the birth of my first child.” The team was anchored by a strong defense (Eric Sherman, Julian Wellisz, Sam Jones) and goalie Sahm Bernhardt, who never allowed more than one goal in a game. Super-cutie Eric Bissell scored the championship winner, though Brian Papish led the team in goals for the season.
The undefeated Dandelions also featured the studly Oren Gersten, a soccer god, who single-handedly defeated Team Buttaface during the regular season, scoring the game winner with .001 seconds on the clock. Annie Shepherd, who transferred from Michigan just for a chance to play for the Dandelions, also dominated the field against Tam Buttaface. Albert, the Pete Best of the Team, quit the team after the third game, back when the Dandelions were only really good, but not horrifyingly, ass-reamingly good. The success of the Lions has been attributed to team building exercises such as attending the soccer film “Offside” at the film series, studying The Big Green, intensely regulated group hydration and carbo-loading practices, and generally being much better at soccer than the teams they played.
While the inspirational Dandelions might have helped you through an unfortunate depression, boredom, or excessive horniness, they need your help now. The team needs to go to Disneyland to complete their season, and they need your donations to make their dream a reality. “Making sure the Champions League champions go to Disneyland, or for that matter anywhere they want, is one of the first things I wanted to accomplish here at Wes, but my hands are tied by the Board of Trustees,” says Michael Roth. Please support the cause!
Sincerely,
The Association of Very Fine People Intent on Sending the D-Lions to Disneyland (A.K.A. AVFPISD-LD).
Leave a Reply