Today marks the first day of WesFest and with this wacky weekend naturally comes 4/20, the collegiate day of consumption. But unlike years past, the Wesleyan student body’s ability to intimidate prospective students and their parents may be hindered on account of the wet weather. Surely there will be groups of students acting like morons indoors: instead of eating humanely around a table in MoCon, a crowd of upper-class-person pariahs will put on a spectacle for tours as they reject conformity and sit indigenous-American-style, eating their tofu, hummus, and cock subs from the floor—demonstrating that they have come to Wesleyan to liberate themselves from their psychiatrist parents who hugged them too much (or not enough).
But as the hill is currently muddier than the average vegetarian’s favorite pair of hemp underwear, we might be unable to put on the annual exhibition of idiotic intoxication that normally attracts many Middletown High School students, but no Middletown police officers. If the hill isn’t dry and the sun isn’t shining by 4:20 P.M. today, Friday, it will be quite the punch to the uterus.
Boohoohoo. You can’t sit outside and smoke yourselves retarded because it’s cold and wet. 4/20 is ruined! Shut up and get some perspective! There’s genocide in Darfur (if you forgot), suicide bombings in Morocco, drug wars throughout South and Central America, and Madonna is adopting children left and right! Go ahead and spend your parents’ money on weed and glassware…you losers are all talk. The message is only as important as its image: “I’ll sit outside in cold November rain [not the Guns n’ Roses ballad] for four hours as part of a pneumonia-a-thon to raise money for oppressed Mexicans working in maquiladoras who would like to leave and walk to Wisconsin, but when it comes to spending my own money for a cause, I would rather buy some high-grade hydroponics so I can giggle, gobble, and nap(ple).” Stop being such a selfish Ellen DeGeneres and make your greenback dollar bills work for people who need it more than you need to get high.
“But you said that everyone should buy $300 loafers. That’s even more selfish, you misogynist!” Well somebody call the waambulance! (I may be a Schwarzenegger supporter, but I’m no misogynist). Besides, many fine Italian shoemakers are becoming increasingly involved in philanthropy and give money to an array of charitable organizations and donate out of fashion footwear to tribes of envious nomads.
But as Saturday is scheduled to be 66 and sunny, you can surely expect to witness the attention-seeking idiocy that is associated with WesFest. There will be streakers streaking, laxers laxing, and screamers screaming at tours: “send us your daughters” and “take your penises elsewhere.” But as is the case each year, there will be lost souls who will idiotically and immaturely create a cacophony in an attempt to spoil a good time. Instead of being a lemon, why not just be destructive? If you want to ruin a good time, tell Schenk vs. US (1919) to shove it and yell “fire” in a crowded theater; disregard the sensitivity of sexual harassment and fondle some prefrosh’s genitals as he/she/ze walks alongside his/her/hir’s parents; put down that Frisbee, get Palestinian, and throw some stones; and if you’re stuck being a tour guide, fake a seizure if you have to.
The amount of chalk on the pavement exponentially increases during WesFest; and those of you who write these insightful epithets say that you do so as a form of self-expressio—o make your opinions known and to provoke thought among others. I would believe this defense if most of the chalkings I’ve seen weren’t as useless as a vagina-flavored dental dam. Chalking something like “fuck the binary” (which is extremely typical during WesFest) isn’t “keeping Wesleyan weird,” it just explains why there are so many gender-neutral bathrooms on campus. But if you want to make a powerful, provocative statement, write something like “Special Victims Unit” in front of DKE or Beta, “Voluntary Segregation” in front of 200 Church, and one or more giant “?’s” in front of Alpha Delt. Don’t waste some maintenance person’s time by having him clean a chalky “Fagina” from the pavement.
To those members of the Wesleyan student body who lack hill etiquette (or who can’t contain their AD(H)D enough to sit stationary for more than five minutes), please don’t toss the disc or pass the pigskin. The odds are that you will probably hit someone, apologize, continue to throw, and then hit (that) someone again. To avoid inflicting pain on someone innocently sitting and chatting with friends, you too should find a patch of dry grass. You’re not on the Jersey Shore and there aren’t (m)any bimbos on the hill who are going to think that your screwed-up spiral and UnderArmour are sexually appealing. There’s a time and a place for everything my pigskin wielding friend, but this is not one of them. You frisbee chuckers are safe as tossing the bee is typical of New England liberal arts colleges and all the losers enrolled at them, but remember that with every forehand or upside-down disc you hurl, you look more and more like a goofball. There’s no shame in going behind Freeman, or even taking a trip to I-91 to toss the bee. In fact, they may even be better places for the disc to be tossed dude.
After listening to members of the Boogie Club describe the campus center as their living room, I don’t need my Ouija board to tell me that the rhythm-less troupe will be parading around campus, boom box over one’s shoulder, explicitly demonstrating that shoeless white people can’t dance. On that note, the only person who should be permitted to walk barefoot around campus is THAT grizzly redheaded guy. Although he could be called cowardly for not subjecting his callused feet to winter’s fury, he is consistently barefoot when the weather permits (finally, the recognition you’ve been waiting for my fire-crotched friend).
If this year’s WesFest is the same stupid display that it has been in years past, not only will the Board of Trustees be forced to begin another presidential search, but deciding to come to Wesleyan as a member of the class of 2011 would be as wise as having unprotected sex with a flight attendant in the mid ’80’s.
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