Upon entering Summerfields Restaurant, located in the Butterfield C dormitory, I was immediately greeted by the aroma of dead rabbits.
I was instructed to select what I would fancy for my meal before sitting down. According to the hostess, who was naked from the waist down, I could order from one of five main courses. The menu laid out the five choices in Captain Planet form, one under each of the five powers of the Planeteers: Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart.
The Earth option for the night, also the vegan option, was fried grass from Foss Hill, with a side dish of water. The Fire option was the Mystery Meat Burger. The Wind option, which happened to be vegetarian, was moldy pasta that was imported from the Middle East. The Water option was the Mocon Medley, a recycled combination of various foods from Mocon that remained on students’ trays when they returned them. Finally, the Heart option was the heart of an unspecified (and unsuspecting) animal. I chose the option that looked the least unappetizing, the Mystery Meat Burger. I was then instructed to sit down until someone called a number to signify that my food was ready.
Five minutes later, a Summerfields employee yelled out my number, which happened to be 69. I eagerly leapt from my seat to retrieve my dinner. The plate that was handed to me contained a paltry burger on a hard roll, with one piece of lettuce and a half slice of what appeared to be a tomato. I proceeded to the salad bar to fill up my plate with kerosene-flavored greens and several other rotten vegetables. Disappointed that there was no beer in the establishment, I filled up my plastic cup with what was supposed to be fountain-style ginger ale. I sat down by myself at a corner table designed for two. My date, a shapely young lady from the class of 2007, had cancelled on me a few hours earlier when I told her that I planned to dine at Summerfields.
I began by sipping my ginger ale, immediately realizing that it was not ginger ale at all. It was a watered-down imitation soda with a trace of household chemicals. I spit it out on someone who was passing by, and he threw his shoe at me in anger.
Next, I took a bite of the salad, which tasted like rotten fish. I tossed the entire plate of salad behind me, and it hit a feminist square in the head. She told me that she would be filing sexual harassment charges, and I told her that she would look better with long hair.
Finally, I began my main course, taking a bite of the Mystery Meat Burger. It tasted like a turd. I think I solved the mystery of the meat. It was actually a turd. I began simultaneously vomiting and shitting. I was rushed to the hospital.
Bottom line: Someone should burn down Summerfields to show students how fire works.
Price Range: 8-10 dollars for dinner entrees; 5,000-6,000 dollars for hospital bills.
Reservations: I have serious reservations about eating here ever again.
Rating: One dead Cardinal.
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